Epigraph and Quintessence (STATION Series #4)

Simula

Simula

Perfection, etiquette, and elegance are the words that I've always hated. Those words kept on dancing around my mind, forcing me to become a person who wasn't I. The suffocation it gives forced me to extend the rebirth to another component of my life.

I know that I'm not perfect. My mother knew about it, too, that's why she kept on forcing it towards me. As much as I didn't like the taste of the prime glamour next to the extreme quintessence that I am supposed to have, at the zenith of this perfection, I knew that I am not yet the best.

But she's very eager to implicate that perfection should be in my blood and nothing else, yet even in that state, I continued to defy her. Because I knew better than to categorize myself as that word.

Because I'll never be one.

Pero isang bagay lang ang hindi ko maintindihan—bakit ako pinipilit na maging perpekto kung hindi naman ako perpekto at wala namang perpektong tao sa mundo? Kung saan dapat ako lulugar ay hindi ko alam dahil hindi ko makategorya ang sarili sa kung ano ang tama.

They kept on seeing me as a mistake and because of that, I have categorized myself as one. Hindi ko rin naman mapigilan ang sarili dahil iyon naman talaga ang totoo.

You have one job, I could hear them say. It is the truth, too, but what is it about? It's to be a person who is perfect and praiseworthy. The way how the words slipped from the mouth looked simple, but once I acted on it, I knew that it wasn't as simple as that.

I know that other than the simple lexicon, an endless list of the ruling will follow—expectations, disappointments, approval, and words that are synonymous with that. But since I pledged my way to perfection, might as well pledge my life on it.

Kasi iyon lang naman ang gagawin ko, 'di ba? Ang maging perpekto sa mata ng mga tao. Kapag nagawa ko 'yon ay wala na akong magiging problema hanggang dulo.

Pero hangga't hindi ko pa naaabot 'yon, maghihirap muna ako at ikakategorya ang sarili bilang isang palpak na laruan.

"To run away is to be free from the responsibilities." Napalingon ako sa kanan. Bumungad sa 'kin ang berde niyang mata. "And running away from responsibilities doesn't seem to be a great thing."

I can't categorize what thought he has behind his kind and warm smile, but I was able to uncover peace from his earthy-green eyes. The comfort coming from the greenery made me at peace.

Nakapamulsa siyang humakbang bago yumuko at inilebel ang mata sa akin. With a pair of affectionate eyes that compensated for my insecurities, I could only categorize myself as privileged.

"Why did you drag me..." I murmured.

"Para kasing ayaw mo sa kung saan bukod dito," saad niya, may mainit at maliit na ngiti sa labi.

Nahihiya ay nagbaba ako ng tingin. Ang ibinibigay niyang atensyon ay nagparamdam ng kung ano sa kabuoan ko.

I'm not perfect. My system is not yet built to have a proper ruling. I feel unworthy of the reward that he's giving me.

Nagpakawala ako ng maliit na halakhak, doon inilalabas ang kahihiyan para sa sarili.

"I-I don't think that I'm worthy of what you're giving me. I'm a commoner—I'm very, very far from the royals."

He chuckled. "That's how you see yourself? Okay, my sweet..." 

Napaangat ako ng tingin. Hindi ko mapigilan ang pag-awang ng bibig nang lumuhod siya sa harapan ko. Lalo akong nahiya sa natatanggap nang inabot niya ang aking kamay bago halikan ang likod no'n.

"Then I'm Seville Bastian de la Fulgencio, your slave, my queen."

Nanginginig ang kamay ay pinakiramdaman ko ang takot na nagmula sa palad.

His perfection... I don't think that I deserve it.