Epigraph and Quintessence (STATION Series #4)

Kabanata 6

Kabanata 6

Break down

"Sav, sorry talaga. Sorry, sorry, sorry—"

I controlled my temper and spun my heel to face him. With a forced smile plastered on my face, I approved myself to ask him. "Are you accepted?"

Naguguluhan niya akong tiningnan.

"What?" Kunot-noo siya nang magtanong.

Mariin kong ipinikit ang mata, pinipigilan ang sarili na masaktan sa sunod na sasabihin. "Are you accepted by your family, Lerdon?"

The words felt bitter in my mouth. I categorized it under pity.

Nagliwanag ang mukha niya at nahihiyang tumango. Hindi ko mapigilan ang mainggit.

"Yeah, I- uh... want to thank you because—"

"No need," I bitterly said and turned my back.

My hurt encased into tears brimmed beside my eyes. A few seconds more and it will start to escape from my eyes. Mabilis na akong naglakad papalayo habang kaya pang kontrolin ng sarili ang pagbigat muli ng dibdib.

"Sav, wait lang!" Natigilan ako nang hawakan ako sa braso. Napalingon ang ilang mga estudyanteng nadaanan.

Fending off my tears, I faced him. "What? I said it's okay—"

Nagkamot siya ng batok at hilaw na ngumiti.

I let out a sigh as frustration started to grow inside my system. Gustong-gusto ko nang umalis dahil kaonting tulak na lang ay tutulo na ang luha ko.

"What happened last night... Uh... We—"

"Just tell it to me, Lerd. Hindi masama ang loob ko ro'n," saad ko, mabigat ang dibdib.

"Okay, uh... Geoff and I were back together. I'm accepted by my family." Mariin niyang ipinikit ang mata. "Kaya ayaw ko siya para sa kapatid ko dahil nagseselos ako. Thank you so much for your help."

Accepted? He's accepted? I knew he said earlier that he was accepted by his family. Iba pala ang epekto kapag inulit muli. I couldn't stop the envy that's growing inside of me. I silently wished that I could be accepted, too.

I know I wasn't the best daughter the family could have, but I'm trying my best to be categorized under the relatives who are accepted. Sapat na sa 'kin ang matanggap ng pamilya. Sapat na sa 'kin na hindi ako mahalin katulad ng pagmamahal nila sa ibang kadugo. Ang hinihiling ko lang naman ay pagtanggap mula sa kanila.

"You're welcome," pigil-hininga kong sabi dahil naramdaman ko na ang sakit na namumuo sa dibdib.

He gave me a smile before he pulled me to a hug. Nanlaki ang mata ko habang pinakikiramdaman ang kasiyahang bumabalot sa kan'yang katawan.

"Thank you so much, Savannah! This means so much to me. Sana maging magkaibigan pa rin tayo pagkatapos nito."

I nodded and pushed him off from me. I gave him a parting smile and walked away. Sa pagtalikod ko ay kasabay ng panghihinayang sa kaalamang uulit muli ako sa simula.

I guess I need to stop for now because I need to focus on maintaining my grades. When I graduate, I need to ensure that the achievement that I'll be reaching would be worth it. So worth it that it would, somehow, rival the failures I received on searching the honor that I could bring.

My mother isn't much of a fan of her daughter, I'm sure of that. She paints me as a failure in whatever things that I do. She sees my existence as a failure. Kung hindi ko siguro kinasisiyahan ang pag-aaral ngayon, sigurado akong bibigat lalo ang pagtingin sa sarili.