Epigraph and Quintessence (STATION Series #4)

Kabanata 24

Kabanata 24

Stop

It's the sixteenth hour of the day when I found myself desperate for independence—an idea that I have always been deprived of.

Within twenty-one years of existence, with my life dedicated to perfection and dependence, I realized that I finally had enough of it. It took me a lot of years before I could acknowledge the reality because I've been letting the world to run its course. Now that I've had enough of the things that I've been experiencing, I decided to put an end to everything that isn't related to independence.

That's why I started with Abraham, continued with Seville, before I severed ties with my old self. Independence is better than dependence. It led me to the idea that I need to end everything right now, and by everything, it includes the connection and the comfort that I felt.

That's why I'm attending their band's gig. I'm not even sure if Seville's aware of my plan. Ngunit wala rin naman sa 'kin kung may pake siya o wala.

All my life, I have been trying my best to understand their likings just so I could please them. I've been trying my best to be perfect to meet their expectations, but sometimes, the person with the most perseverance will fall out of the line. Isa ako ro'n.

I believe that I have been striving hard enough to get where I am now. I made a lot of mistakes, but I acknowledge the progress that I have created. Ngayon ko lang naintindihan na walang saysay kung kalilimutan ko ang nakaraan dahil hindi ako mapupunta rito kung hindi kikilalanin 'yon.

We all have a fair share of mistakes, I had a lot of those, but it's not a reason for me to stop and be held back. Oo, hindi ko kayang tumayo mag-isa, pero kung hindi ko susubukan ngayon, malalaman ko pa ba ang kabaliktaran?

This is not a matter of who's honorable or who's not because starting from now, I need to acknowledge what's better or what's worse.

Hindi ako uusad kung mananatili akong kandado sa isang lugar.

Kailangan kong maging matapang. Kailangan kong maging makasarili para sa pansariling kapakanan. Kailangan ko nang simulan ngayon para maipagpatuloy ko na hanggang dulo.

It's not always too late to learn because the best way to do it is today.

That's why even though his kind and green eyes looked so honest as he sang me a song during his solo, like before, it is enough to make me stay. It was one of the reasons, but the prime one is the breaking of the dependence.

Bibitiwan ko si Seville dahil iyon naman talaga ang tama. Mas nakabubuti 'to sa 'ming dalawa.

"I can taste it, my hearts breakin', please don't say that you know, when you know..."

My heart clenched in pain when I saw his smile after he closed his eyes.

As much as I want to look away, I realized that today's the last time where I can see his smile and feel the warmth that it has. Dahil alam kong pagkatapos ng gabing 'to, hindi ko na makikita ang ngiti niya kahit kailan.

Seville kept on holding his microphone with his right hand as he took care of the guitar on his left. Magiliw ang paggalaw ng katawan niya habang sinasabayan ang tunog ng kinakanta. Ang paraan ng paghawak sa mikropono ay magaan tila inaalagaan ang bawat parte no'n.

At ang pag-aalagang nando'n...

I could only reminisce about what we had before. And it pains me, so much, because I don't know what will happen between the two of us after this. But I do not want to worry about anyone anymore.