Epigraph and Quintessence (STATION Series #4)

Kabanata 12

Kabanata 12

Iniisip

My heart was heavy when I went to university the next day. Pakiramdam ko ay pinaglaruan ko ang sarili ko sa pamamagitan ng pag-asa kay Seville.

I knew that I'm tiring—that's the reality that I'm aware of—but why am I forcing myself to him? Gan'to na ba ako kalala—kadesperada—kaya kung maka-depende ako akala ko nand'yan siya palagi sa tabi ko? Hindi pa ba ako pagod sa kadedepende sa mga taong pumapaligid sa 'kin para lang matanggap ako ni Mommy?

Am I that desperate that's why I forgot who I am and where I stand? I am just a girl—I'm just Savannah Brenner, the imperfect daughter of Lucinda Mujer and Ralph Brenner, who is trying her best to meet society and her family's standards. That's her, nothing more but lesser.

While he's Sebastian de la Fulgencio, a good guy—an honest one—the dream guy of any girls. He's good at singing, he's very patient and kind, he's very approachable, and he's a man of substance, too.

So, where will I fall with him as the category? He's the best one—the prime one—who deserves all the royalty and glamor the world has, while I—the imperfect one—deserve the rubbish.

I badly want to laugh at myself about how far I've come just to justify the things that I have done. Growing up, I have been categorizing myself as a failure because I didn't manage to follow their expectations and categorizing myself as disapproval because since I was born, I have never been approved of.

Just thinking about those things—feeling those things—made breathing hard. Alam kong sobra-sobra na ang sakit na naibigay sa 'kin ng pamilyang 'to lalong-lalo na si Mommy, pero hindi ko siya masisisi.

Sino ba naman ang may gusto sa imperpektong tao na kagaya ko?

Alam kong imperpekto ako—alam ko 'yon mula nang magkamalay ako, pero hindi ko alam na ganito siya kasakit—na ganito siya kabigat na siyang maaalala ko sa bawat segundong nagdaraan. Ano ba ang ginawa ko para hindi matanggap ng mga tao? Ano ba ang ginawa ko para lalong maging imperpekto sa mga mata nila? Ano ba ang ginawa ko kahit alam ko namang wala akong ginawa?

Ano ba talaga ang problema sa 'kin? Ako ba talaga ang problema o sila?

Gusto kong umiyak pero madalas ko nang ginagawa 'yon kaya hindi na bago sa dibdib ko. Nakakapagod na rin pero kung hindi ako iiyak, kailan ko ilalabas 'to? Kapag hindi ko na kayang umiyak? Kapag dugo na ang pwede kong iiyak?

The pain that I'm undergoing hurts me to the point of numbness. I don't want my children to experience this heart-wrenching pain, but what's the certainty of the approval of having children? My mother will tell me that I'm too imperfect and that I'll only breed imperfect beings, so what's use thereof? Baka nga maipasa ko lang ang sakit na 'to sa kanila.

Pero hinding-hindi ako magiging gano'ng ina... hinding-hindi maninira ng pangarap at damdamin ng anak... hinding-hindi maninira ng pag-iisip at tiwala sa anak...

Hinding-hindi ako maninira—hindi ko kaya 'yon. Iyon ba ang dahilan kung bakit hindi ako matanggap nina Mommy? Kasi hindi ko kayang manira ng tao?

Should I break other people, too? What now? Nalilito na ako. Naguguluhan na ako. Ano ba talaga ang tamang gawin para maging tama sa mga mata nila?

"Sav," I heard someone called.

My heart is heavy, but I've been going through with it in the past years. Attending classes with a heavy heart isn't new to me, anyway.

"What?" I asked only to meet Abraham's eyes. Hindi katulad ng kay Sebastian ay hindi mabait ang dating ng mata ni Ab, pero nando'n pa rin ang kabaitan kung pakikiramdaman nang matagal.