Epigraph and Quintessence (STATION Series #4)

Kabanata 20

Trigger warning: Minor reference to self-harm and suicide in this chapter. Please refrain from reading if you can't bear such themes.

Kabanata 20

Alamin

"Nabalitaan ko na hindi na kayo close ni Abraham. What happened to your diskarte, Savannah? Walang kwenta ka talaga." My mother's mocking words were the first thing that greeted me as soon as I arrived at the house. It immediately removed the honesty that Seville made me feel.

Nakatayo siya sa may hagdan, pinipigilan akong umakyat gamit ang nanunuyang mata.

I fixed my posture and lifted my chin up.

No, I don't need to act as if I wasn't affected by this because I'm not anymore.

I'm not that weakling called Carpe Diem, because I am the Savannah Brenner who is trying her best to gain her confidence day-by-day.

"We have some misunderstandings," I said. There's no use to explain any further than that. It doesn't matter to them.

"At hanggang kailan tatagal ang misunderstanding na 'yan?" Her prying eyes continued to mock me before she sighed. "Ilang dekada pa ba ang hihintayin ko para may maiambag ka naman sa pamilyang 'to? You're taking too long, Savannah."

"And you're taking too long to appreciate it," I talked back without any restrictions.

Why? Because I felt the urge to.

Nanlalaki ang mata ay suminghap si Mommy. Mukha siyang nainsulto sa sinabi ko pero hindi ko na lang pinansin pa 'yon.

I'm too tired to respect them if they failed to respect me. Napapagod na akong magpadala sa kung ano-anong pinagsasabi at iniuutos nila tungkol sa 'kin dahil nakadadagdag lang 'yon sa kaguluhan ko. Hindi ko 'yon gusto dahil paano ako magiging tapat sa sarili ko?

"Gumagawa po ako ng hakbang para matanggap sa pamilyang 'to—"

"But it's taking too long!" Her raised voice emphasized her irritation. Dinuro-duro niya ako gamit ang hintuturo niya. "At kailan ka pa natutong mawalan ng respeto sa magulang mo, ha? Tandaan mo, Savannah. I brought you into this world! Inampon ulit kita para mabigyan ng pangalawang tsansa ang patapong buhay mo at ito ang isusukli mo sa 'kin? What disrespectful child you are!"

"And what disrespectful parent you are!" Itinaas ko na ang boses, ang puso ay mabilis ang tibok. "Matagal ko na pong nirerespeto ang plano niyo sa 'kin. I followed whatever choices you make for my life and I want to thank you for that. Why? Because you broke me! Dahil sa mga pinaggagawa niyo sa 'kin, hindi ko na kilala ang sarili ko!"

"At ako pa ang sinisisi mo tungkol d'yan? You worthless, ungrateful child!" Nagpupuyos siya sa galit. "I did whatever that I can so I can support you! Hindi mo ba naiisip na para sa 'yo ang ginagawa kong 'to? Learn to appreciate the sacrifices that your parents are doing, Savannah! Hindi 'yong kung makapagsalita ka ay akala mo ang dami mo nang naambag!"

No... don't cry, Savannah. You are a strong woman. A strong woman is strong enough to control her emotions.

But maybe I'm not strong enough to control my tears...

"How can I appreciate your sacrifices when you didn't teach me how to do it? Pilit niyo po akong ginagawang perpekto pero hindi ko gusto maging gano'n, Mommy! I don't even know why I still have the strength to call you as my mother even when you're not acting like one! Kung makaakto po kayo ay daig pa ang napaka-strict na instructor!"

My mother's face looks very tensed.

Gano'n pa rin ang paraan ng pagtingin niya—nanunuya. Hindi na talaga mababago 'yon katulad ng katotohanang hindi nila nirerespeto kung sino ako.