Epigraph and Quintessence (STATION Series #4)

Kabanata 2

Kabanata 2

Honor

"Kuya, thank you for helping me..."

Kuya Warren, with his corporate suit, smiled at me as he wrapped a bandage around my swollen feet. Binuhat ako ni Kuya mula sa kabilang kwarto patungo sa 'kin. When I asked him how he found me, he told me that he heard a loud thud followed by my mother's provocative footsteps.

"Pinagte-training ka na naman ni Mama?" he asked as he lightly patted my feet. "All done. 'Wag ka munang maggagalaw, ha?"

I pouted and nodded. Earlier, I was expected to be alone as I tend my wound. Hindi rin naman ako makatatawag ng maid para tulungan ako sa paggamot ng sugat. I was lucky enough that my elder brother arrived like the savior he is.

"Kuya, why are you wearing a suit? Hindi ba may pasok ka pa?"

"Ah, nasa requirements na kasi ng Kingston. Lahat ng Business Ad students ay magsusuot ng corporate suit in preparation for the corporate world."

I took a peek at my bandaged feet. Nararamdaman ko pa rin ang hapdi at kirot ngunit nagpatawag ng katulong si Kuya kanina. Siya na lang ang gumamot at pinaiwan ang gamit.

"Is College hard, Kuya?"

I heard my brother chuckling. "Lahat naman mahirap, Diem. But since you're asking, oo, mahirap talaga lalo na kung hindi ka marunong magbalanse."

"But you're a Dean's Lister and a top student for years... hindi ka ba na-pepressure?"

He patted my head and gave me a gentle smile. I couldn't help feeling happy with the positivity my brother is giving me. "Ma-pepressure ka kung magpapa-pressure ka. As long as you know your priorities and you set them straight, you'll achieve what you want to have."

Ngumuso ako. "Pero pine-pressure ka ni Daddy, 'di ba? Taking over the company..."

"That's why I'm taking Business Ad. Pasasalamat ko na rin kina Papa para sa pag-ampon sa 'kin. Ikaw kaya ang aampunin lang talaga! Iyak ka lang nang iyak at ayaw mong mawalay sa 'kin kaya inampon na lang din ako."

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin kay Kuya nang makaramdam ng... inggit.

My brother really had his living way too easier than mine. My constant list of rejections doesn't match up to my brother's never-ending list of acceptance. Gustong-gusto rin siya nina Lolo't Lola at puring-puri kapag may family gatherings.

Though I can notice the disapproval stares from my father's relatives, the degree that my brother is receiving is way too lighter than mine. I know to myself that I'm coping up with the perfection that my mother's forcing me to acquire because I've been doing that ever since. Pero kahit anong pilit ko na ayusin ang tindig, ang pananalita, at ang galaw, nakikita ko pa rin ang pagkabigo sa lahat ng 'to dahil hindi pa rin nakukuntento si Mommy.

But with my brother... he got everything now. He's pleasing everyone. He's accepted by everyone.

No matter how close I am to my elder brother, the reality kept on telling me that I will never be accepted the same way my brother is. Sa mga mata nilang lahat, ako ang salot sa pamilya. Ako dapat ang tinitino. Ako dapat ang binabago dahil hindi ako nababagay sa kanilang lahat.

Ako nga siguro ang pinaka-ayaw na tao ng magulang ni Daddy. Baka dahil babae ako kaya hindi ako tinatanggap ng pamilya ni Daddy? Kaonti na lang ay mapipilitan akong magbago ng kasarian para lang matanggap. Gano'n na ako kadesperada.

But isn't it one of the things that people want to feel—acceptance? That without acceptance, you'll be nothing but a disgrace to the family?

If not acceptance, then what? Perfection? Do I need to be perfect in order to be valid? In order for my opinions to be heard?