Epigraph and Quintessence (STATION Series #4)

Kabanata 3

Kabanata 3

Eager

I exhausted myself to search for honor in order to be accepted by the family. I thought of countless ways and what points that shall be pondered on before I considered myself suitable for what I'm going to do.

I know that I wasn't up for an arranged marriage. Lucinda Mujer would be disgusted once a shameful act would disgrace the family's name, kaya hindi ko na lang ipinilit ang planong 'yon.

But no matter how hard my mother's disappointment is drilling on me, I tried my best to act as if I was perfect around the campus. The only time that I am able to bring down this façade is when I'm alone—and I'm only alone in my room.

As much as I want to, I couldn't bear being alone around the campus. Iba't ibang pagkadismaya ang pupunta sa utak ko at hindi ko alam kung saan na 'yon pupunta.

I attended my morning class the same way I used to. Hindi ko nakalimutan na umakto angkop sa paniniwala nila sa 'kin. Gano'n ang araw-araw na pamumuhay ko.

In the next few days, my task in the search of acceptance started to tire me out.

"Why not date for publicity? You're the daughter of Ralph Brenner, the owner of one of the best stock broker companies in the country! Look around, Sav, ang daming guys na pwede mong i-date to build your name," Ariella suggested.

I couldn't help mocking myself about her suggestion.

Who would want an imperfect woman like me? If the public were to know about the reality of my façade, I know that they'll be disappointed the same way my mother is. Mas mabigat nga lang ang nakukuha kong emosyon mula kay Mommy.

I continued to walk between the two of them as they conversed in front of me. Marami na ang estudyanteng nakakalat sa hallway habang ang iba ay tumatambay sa tabi ng locker. Ang iba pa ay nakatingin sa 'min.

Their stares continued to give me mixed feelings on whether I should be honored with the attention I'm getting or be scared because of it. I know that as long as the prime of their attention is darted towards me, my fear of creating a mistake kept on bothering my imperfect state.

That's why I tried my best to act natural. The last thing that I wanted is to be a heap of embarrassment in front of the student body. Not that I wasn't an embarrassment before, but I know the toll that I'll be receiving would be greater.

"Our Savannah girl right here doesn't need men to build her name. Perpekto na siya, ano ba? And I'm sure that her mother sees her as a perfect daughter. Right, Sav?"

Napilitan akong ngumiti at tumango.

With the way how the two of them are believing my act, I couldn't crush their reality. I couldn't bear any other disappointment. They believe that I am perfect that's why I'm doing countless things in order to be categorized under their expectations. It was my way of pleasing and satisfying people. No matter how exhausting it will be, the privilege that I'll be receiving would be priceless.

Because at the end of the day, they are my last thread of hope before I could finally say goodbye to my worthless existence.

As failures consisted of my days of unproductivity, I knew my mother has started another wave of disapproval upon my existence. Tuwing umuuwi ako ay patalim nang patalim ang tingin niya sa 'kin. Kaonti na lang ay malalagutan na ako ng hininga dahil sa pinatong kong responsibilidad sa aking balikat.

But I couldn't blame her. I was the one who made this agreement with my mother—I was the one who tightened the rope around my neck. Kaya pinilit ko na lang na itawid ang mga sumusunod na araw.