Epigraph and Quintessence (STATION Series #4)

Kabanata 8

Kabanata 8

Kalayaan

"You're going to get engaged." It was the news that I heard after a few months of my freshman year.

I stood in front of my mother like an obedient girl that they groomed me to be.

Umalma 'man ako o hindi, alam kong wala lang ang sasabihin ko kina Mommy. Hindi nila papansinin ang opinyon ko. Mananatili akong sunud-sunuran sa mga utos nila—that's how they groomed me.

"Pinag-usapan na namin 'to ni Mama," dagdag pa ni Mommy.

The click of her heels is enough to drain the little confidence that I built. As she's circling me as if luring me into a trap, I couldn't help feeling nervous. Gano'n lagi ang nararamdaman ko tuwing iniikutan ako ni Mommy. Ang pangungutya ng kan'yang mata ay hindi ko na yata makasasanayan.

"I don't know if you know that Ralph's own parents hated him because he married me. I want to get to their good side. Ang hirap na makisama."

I kept my head low as I felt the hidden ache in my mother's words. Ako rin naman, Mommy. Nahihirapan na rin ako makisama at patuloy pa rin akong gumagawa ng paraan para matanggap ng pamilyang 'to.

She stopped in front of me. Her finger settled at my chin and tilted it to a degree where I could level her stare. Tinapangan ko ang sarili upang tagpuin ang matatalim na tingin ni Mommy.

I need to overcome this fear of the sharp stares of my mother. I don't want to constantly fear her eyes while I'm still existing. Hindi na gano'n kabigat ang takot ko roon kumpara sa unang beses na nararamdaman ko ang mga 'yon. Ngunit natatandaan ko pang napapanaginipan ko pa ang mga tingin ni Mommy noong bata ako. Mabuti na lang at hindi na.

"Your engagement party will happen a month from now. We got everything settled. What we need is your appearance, which is of course... you won't fail us, right, Savannah?" Nalipat ang tingin ni Mommy sa aking mata. "We built you to be an obedient daughter, isn't it? We have high expectations for you. Too high that you... were not able to reach it."

Gusto kong iiwas ang tingin ni Mommy dahil nasasaktan sa naririnig ngunit hindi ko magawa—it would be disrespect.

Ang tangi ko lang magagawa ay iinda ang pang-iinsulto ni Mommy sa akin. Tsaka ko na lang iiiyak ang sama ng loob pagkarating sa kwarto.

"And you're lucky to be engaged to the heir of an honorable family. Their expectations are high. I hope you could be of your best conduct before your engagement. Hindi ako papayag na i-pull out nila 'yon. After all, who would want an imperfect woman like you? You're not even worth it."

Palihim akong suminghap at pinigilan ang paglabas ng hikbi.

Unti-unti na namang humahapdi ang gilid ng aking mata, pinipilit na ilabas ang lahat ng hinanakit na matagal ko nang kinikimkim. Ngunit hindi ko magawa dahil kung ilalabas ko 'man ay walang makaririnig—walang iintindi.

I'm forever voiceless inside this house. My opinion will forever be disregarded as long as I am incapable of bringing honor to the family. To think that they will go to such lengths for me to marry someone who is honorable speaks a lot about their hatred towards me.

Hinding-hindi ako magiging mahalaga sa pamilya na 'to. Si Kuya Warren lang palagi ang mahalaga.

When my mother dismissed me, I immediately headed to my room and muffled my pain with the comfort pillow. It's so funny that some of the people are treating their house as a home and that they're able to enjoy every meter of it. Habang ako ay nananatiling nakakandado ang kalayaan at kasiyahan sa aking kwarto—ang tanging lugar kung saan ako nabibilang.