Epigraph and Quintessence (STATION Series #4)

Kabanata 19

Kabanata 19

Truth

I was a third-year college when I realized how important honesty is. Tuwing nakakasama ko si Seville ay natututunan ko na 'yon. Kaya kung gaano kami magkalapit ni Abraham sa mga nakaraang taon, nagiging gano'n kami kalapit ni Seville. Bakit? Dahil lumalayo si Abraham sa 'kin sa hindi malamang dahilan.

I wonder, does he know about this thing that's going on between his cousin and me? I believe that what I'm doing is nothing but pure learning. Hindi ko magagawa 'yon kasama si Abraham dahil hindi siya kasingtapat ni Seville.

He should've given me explanations about what's going on, hindi 'yung tumutulad siya kina Mommy. Ipaalam niya sa 'kin kung ano ang pagkakamali ko para alam ko kung paano itama. Gano'n ako kadali kausap, pero bakit hindi yata naiintindihan ni Abraham 'yon?

He should know it—we've been accompanying each other for two years now. I think it's enough to know about each other... somehow. But thinking about the duration makes me think twice. Noong summer lang siya nagpakita ng katotohanan sa 'kin, sumakto sa oras na mabigat ang dibdib ko.

I wonder, do I really need to be vulnerable around people before they become honest around me? I know it's not the case for my mother, there's no doubt about that. Wala akong aasahan kay Mommy sa kategoryang 'yon kaya hindi ko na dapat isipin pa. Bukod pa ro'n, hindi na dapat ako nag-eexpect ng kung ano dahil ayon nga sa sinabi ni Seville, masasaktan lang ako sa dulo.

That's why I went on with the rest of my days like that. I carried on with my classes without Abraham around. Though we share the same schedule and we sat beside each other, there is no doubt that there is something wrong between us. Umiiwas na lang din ako dahil pakiramdam ko ay iyon naman ang gusto niya.

If he's eager to explain about this, he should've done it on the first few days that this thing is going around. Almost two weeks had passed now, and he insisted on letting me be with the dark. Wala na lang akong ibang magagawa pa kun'di hayaan 'yon.

Besides, I don't want to expect anything from any person right now. Tumatatak pa rin sa 'kin ang sinabi ni Seville.

After I considered what I got from those expectation-free days, I realized that it has become beneficial to me. What can I do? I think it's the best thing for myself. Paunti-unting nagtatayo ng kung ano mang pumapaligid sa 'kin dahil napapagod nang ipilit ang sarili.

"May bisita po kayo."

Today is one of the days where I spent my day in peace inside my comfortable room. It's been a while ever since I indulged with the preservation of my peace, now that I got the chance to do it, someone would pull me away from it? Nakapapagod naman.

Sighing, I stood up from my seat and opened the door of my room. Bumungad ang kasambahay na malumanay ang ngiti sa 'kin, siguro ay nahihiya sa pang-iistorbo.

"Sino?"

"Si Sir Cloud po."

I nodded at her. "Okay. Tell him to go away."

I need my peace. Ayoko nang dumepende pa sa kanila dahil alam kong may iba silang inaasikaso.

I don't want to look... pitiful.

"Pero, Ma'am—"

"Please," I pleaded, gave her a smile, before I went inside my room.

Humiga ako sa kama at bumuntong-hininga. Hindi ko maiwasang mapagod sa bawat araw na nagdaan.

I spent a lot of my emotions in building a ruling that is not mine. I spent a lot of my energy in satisfying what they want in the expanse of the reality of who I am. And I spent a lot of time in creating a personality that fits the paradigm that I created.