Epigraph and Quintessence (STATION Series #4)

Kabanata 31

Kabanata 31

Ayoko

Why did I want to live alone? To be independent? Yes, it's one of the reasons, but I think the one that weighed was my desire to cry and suffer alone.

I want to breakdown without anyone around. Gusto ko sarili ko lang ang kasama ko tuwing nangyayari 'yon dahil hindi ko kayang masira sa harap ng marami.

I know I had a fair share of breaking down in front of many people, Seville included. It's the reason why I'm trying my best to remove it from my system. Hindi siya nakabubuti para sa 'kin.

Ang mga hindi nakabubuti ay dapat inaalis. Kasama ulit si Seville ro'n.

I can't help remembering the time that I kept on asking for his honesty and kindness. I knew I was thankful for him, because of that I was able to know myself a little better. It led me to this journey, too. Kaya hindi ko kayang buong magalit sa kan'ya dahil may utang na loob ako. Utang na loob na hindi ako sigurado kung mababayaran ko pa.

Can I not pay for it if it means that I'll see the pain in his eyes? I knew I hurt him—I'll be honest about that—and he was hurt because of it. I just can't stand the thought that if ever I am to meet him, he'll be different from the man that I knew.

But he confessed that he wasn't sure of himself. Iyon din siguro ang rason kung bakit hindi ko siya masisisi kapag nakita ko ulit.

I wonder, how is he doing now? I threw him hurtful words. I don't know how much it hurt him, but I knew that it hurt. Nasaktan din naman ako ng mga masasakit na salita kaya alam kong may epekto talaga 'yon. Idagdag pa na sinasaktan ang pansariling identidad, paniguradong sobra-sobra ang sakit no'n.

Kung bibigyan ako ng pagkakataon na makita at makipag-usap ulit kay Seville, gagawin ko ba? I think not. He doesn't deserve to meet a monster like me.

But I knew that even if I'll see how different he was from before, he'll still be the honest man in my eyes.

He's just... too honest for me. Kaya kahit na nagpakatotoo siya sa 'kin—sinabi sa 'kin na hindi siya sa tapat sa sarili niya—tinuring ko pa rin 'yong katapatan sa sarili.

I realized that I'm so confusing when it comes to him. Pabago-bago ang desisyon ko at alam kong dala 'yon ng paghahanap ng katotohanan.

Pero ganito ba talaga kahirap hanapin ang katotohanan? 'Yung tipong magugulo ka sa bawat araw na nagdaan?

I want to give up from understanding how far my honesty can lead me, but I don't want to give up now.

I'm still in the process, why would I give up in between? Ayon nga sa nakasanayan ko, isasagad ko na hanggang dulo.

"Brenner, Savannah M. Magna Cum Laude."

Nagpalakpakan ang ilang mga kaklase ko nang umakyat sa stage.

I followed the template that we rehearsed earlier and received the imaginary diploma. I let out a small smile as I thanked them before I went down the stage. I immediately went outside the auditorium with my things after I'm done with the graduation rehearsal.

Ilang minuto ako naglakad papunta sa library nang may humawak sa braso ko. Nang tinawid ko ang kamay na nakahawak sa 'kin patungo sa braso at nagtuloy-tuloy sa mukha, hindi na ako nagulat nang makita ko si Abraham.

"Yes?" I inquired, a little confused because he's not yet done with his rehearsal.

Abraham Lincoln Carvalho's face is still as dashing as ever. The vertical line on his cheek that appears whenever he speaks also appears when he clenches his jaw. His pair of eyes is still mysterious, but he looks at me as if he's trying to be gentle.