4 A.M. Thoughts

Realizations

Today i realized something
Something i thought i already knew
But i guess i only knew part of it
This time
It hit me like a truck
And i realized just about everything
4 years ago
My life was completely different
3 years ago
My life was beginning to change
2 years ago
My life changed dramatically
1 year ago
I was extremely happy
I had everything i wanted
Now....
My life is back to changing
I dont know if thats good
But it is
And things i want
I dont have
And things i need
Are impossible to get
And thats kinda funny
Because i had it
At one time anyway
I just never realized how much i had
Until it crumbled away
So now my head is stuck in the past
But its also trying to get those things back
Not the way they were before
But how they should be
And how they want it
But that cant happen
Even though i desperately want it
It wont happen
Because i wont do anything
I never do
Thats kinda why i lost all of it
I dont do anything
But when i do
I fuck shit up
And when i dont
I fuck shit up
I cant win
Things happen
People leave
And the ones who stay
Make it obvious they dont want to
But they do anyway
And im starting to feel like
Im forcing them to stay
And i dont want to make people feel
Like they have to stay
Because you really dont have to
You dont have to talk to me
You dont have to stay if you dont want to
You can leave
Sure it might hurt,
But i can handle it
I've handled it before
And im going to handle it again
And i just realized....
You will end up leaving me too
And its probably going to be soon