4 A.M. Thoughts

One of those nights

Tonight is one of those nights
That i think of you
Something i havent truly done
In a long time
But i am
And fuck, i hate it
Looking back
And seeing just how happy i was
And how happy you were
Puts a small smile on my face
But my smile faulters
Now its all coming back
How we first started talking
In kindergarden, i was two weeks late
The teacher walked me to the cafeteria
And you saw me
And gave me a small wave
Even then, you were kind
When we got back to the classroom,
You walked up to me
And said hello
I managed to say hi..
But even then, i was not good at talking
You noticed
But you smiled
And then you started talking to me more
Everyday, you had a new story
And i would always listen
And even laugh
First grade came faster than we thought
I then found out your best friend
Just so happened to be one of my cousins
Im pretty sure he still doesnt know that
But it was kinda funny
You would talk to me about anything
But you always noticed how organized
And smart i was
Well you say i was smart
But organization
That was weird to you
Because i was the only organized 7 year old
That you had ever met
I told you it was because of my dad
He tought me organizational skills
You thought it was funny
You told me i was your friend
And i just smiled
And told you to do your work
This would be our normal routine for the entire year
Second grade came along
We got closer
But our friends tried to pull us away
It worked for a short time
But we met up at the benches
And we would talk for all of recess
The conversations were always random
But at least we were talking
We did this everyday
Third grade was the only year
That we were split up
And i was sad
But things soon became awkward
And you wouldnt even wave at me
So we didnt talk to each other at all
Even though we still knew everything
Because our friends told us everything
Fourth grade
The duo is back
And we were almost inseperable
Because thats how friends are
That was the year i figured out that i liked you
More than friends
Because you were fun to be around
You made me happy
And you made me temporarily forget
Just how bad my home situation was
But i was embarrassed to tell you
So i pretended they didnt exist
For the entire year
Everything was normal
Fifth grade was okay
The beginning was hectic
We were talking way more
And you would joke around
Only because i decided to play trumpet
But everyday you would carry my case while we were walking to the busses
We joked the entire way
Well halfway through the year
Our friends figured out that i liked you
And you liked me back
But they didnt tell me that
So you wrote a note
But never gave it to me
I chased you for fifteen minutes
Because i wanted to read it
A little after winter break
Actually a week before valentines day
You wrote a note
And my friend stole it
And she read it before i could
I never got to read that one either
But you wrote it again
And gave it to a friend that rode my bus
And he had to give it to me
He gave me clear instructions
After you read it, burn it
I didnt burn it right away
I read it about six times
Before i could process it
You liked me?
But why?
I wasnt the prettiest
Im still not
But you liked me
You asked me to the Valentine's dance
And i said yes
And later we started dating
But then you became distant
You would still talk
But not like you used to
At least you still talked to me
We texted all the time
And I would watch you draw
I would mess around with your drawings
But you would leave my little marks
Because you said that it was what it needed
Even something like that makes me smile
Then summer came
And i told you i might be moving
You didnt want me to
I assured you it most likely wasnt going to happen
But honestly, how did i know?
So i came to Georgia
And you hoped i would come home
You would still text me
Telling me you missed me
When summer ended, i went home
For a week..
I had to pack my stuff
And move all in one day
I couldnt say goodbye to anyone
You became sad
But you told me to visit
I said i would try
I visited
But not you
I wasnt allowed
And in that time
You changed
You broke my heart
And told me not to talk to you
Well i didnt listen
I was at a friend's house
And decided it was a good idea
To send you the entire alphabet
You didnt know my number
But i told you to guess who i was
And you got it right
Because you still missed me
But you were forgetting me
You saw that i wasnt at school
And that was it for you
I was gone
Truly gone
You still talked to me
But it was clear you changed
And you became rude
I knew you met more people
And they rubbed off on you
But you kept getting worse
And stopped talking to me
I got over it
But i still think about it from time to time
Because you were the first person
Who had some type of affect on me
My first true friend
The first person to talk to me
But i dont think about it much
Its just one of those nights