4 A.M. Thoughts

Goodbye i guess

Im screaming

But yet all you hear is silence

Im breaking

Shattering even

Yet nobody sees

Ive been sobbing for hours

But the music covers up the sound

And the music....

It just brings back a lot

All the thoughts

And things that have been said

Things i cant take back

And now i fully understand

Just how terrible i truly am

No matter if i deny it

Its true

It always has been

And i truly tried

So hard to fix it

My personality

My views

Everything

But it just goes back

Like its programmed....

Like its a game

I cant fool myself anymore

And thats not good

But back to me thinking

All thats running through my head right now

Are thoughts

And old conversations...

And the question of why not?

Why not just do it?

Break the chain

Go back into old habits

Because it would be so much easier

And i know that

Im making things difficult

But im also trying to make them better

Even though it hurts

Im slowly losing myself

Im slowly removing myself

From the whole equation

And i dont know what hurts more

Me doing that

Or the fact that no one has noticed

Because all along

I was replacable

I wasnt even truly there

But they assured me they cared

When they never did

And they dont now

Or else they would notice my absence

But they dont

I cant believe i let myself trust them

All of them

Because people lie

And thats the sad truth

So now...

Now i shall pretend

Pretend that im okay

That i dont care

That i dont miss it

Because why should i?

Its not like it matters

Or that i will have any satisfaction

I dont deserve that

I deserve this pain

Because i caused pain to so many others

And i didnt mean to

But that doesnt matter

I should have stopped

Stopped talking

Stopped thinking

Stopped sharing

But i didnt

And they shouldnt have to deal with it

And they wont anymore

Im keeping all my shit

To myself

And if they ask

Im fine

Why wouldnt i be?

I will answer with this

Even though its far from the truth

It will be true to them

And they wont know anything

Because im removing myself

From the whole equation

So goodbye i guess....

Even though you wont care

You never did