4 A.M. Thoughts

12:30

The notebooks full of memories
Are surrounding me
The notes
The random drawings
Everything
They are sprawled out in front of me
And the only thing i can seem to read
Is that fucking letter
Its full of lies
I know that
You know that too
Yet i read it
Over
And over again
Until the words fall off the page
My vision goes blurry
But thats okay
Im just remembering
Because thats all i can do
Just remember
And wish i could go back in time
So i can cherish that time
Because it was simpler then
Yet it was complicated
Im staring at the paper
And i hear our voices
And i notice the difference of our handwriting
I smile yet the tears start to fall
Only a few though...
I remember conversations
And i wish i didnt
I shouldnt have said those things
I was hurt
I wasnt thinking clearly
I should have just went to sleep
Now i sit here
Replaying memories
Like a fucking video
And the music doesnt help...
But its only fitting
I started noticing patterns
In everything i wrote
It revolved around the fact that i was scared
Im always fucking scared
Because every time i open up to someone
They leave
You told me you were different
And i believed you
But the second things went sideways
You were gone
I understood
Because i know you have your own problems
That doesn't change how hurt i was
Every time you left
But its fine
Dont worry about it
I dont know if i told you
But i dont like when people pity me
So when i started opening up to you
I was terrified that you would think i was crazy
Because thats were the pity comes from
It took me a long time to fully trust you
And that trust is starting to break
Because im seeing old patterns
The ones i noticed before we started talking
So i backed off
Stopped talking to you as much
You thought i was mad at you
But no
I was never angry
Just hurt
And so fucking confused
Because things are changing fast
And i dont want them to
I need time to process
But i dont want it
Because if i do
And i finally put the pieces together
Then that means its completely over
Because either you are there or not
And its starting to drift towards not
There isnt a grey area
There never fucking was
And im tires of getting played
Even platonically
Its tiring
And mentally frustrating
So im looking back at notes and letters
One letter specifically
And i cant take it seriously
Because i dont know if you meant it
Im starting to think you didnt
And it was all a giant fucking lie..