Párpercesek - BTS one-shots

Önző önzetlenség - Jin (BTS)

2018. 1th of May
Dear Diary,
How are you today? Well for me, just the same. Somehow every day is dry, lifeless. I mean... I have good friends and I like to help them. But sometimes it's just so tiring to listen their problems. I don't know why I am this selfish, but for once... why they couldn't ask me if I am okay? How was my day, etc. After that, we can speak about them, we can pretend that I don't have any feelings. But these are just some basic questions, right? It wouldn't be a big deal to ask still, they never do.
But, I can't blame them, right? They care about me, it's just... they have to deal with their problems. Don't worry about me, I guess I'm okay. I have to be okay, if I want to help them. Please give me strength to go forth.
By the way, I was at home, learned a bit, watched videos on YT and just took a nap on the couch. I wanted to go for a walk, but it started raining. That's my luck, haha. Well, I'll go now, I'm kinda tired.
See you next time!
Kim Seok Jin

2018. 9th of May
Dear Diary,
Today, I found a new friend!!! It's good, right? This new friend of mine is really kind and we get along well. I wanted to help again, and I had success! Friend's mood got better! Our conversation proves, that I just overreacted the things before. I feel guilty, because I was a bit sad because my friends. They probably had a bad day. Oh! And today, when we met, we went to the park. It was good to spend time with them, they aren't online that much, so when we can be like this, it makes me happy. I just hope, I'll be able to have more and more good day like this. Can't wait to have a chat with my new friend!
See ya!
Kim Seok Jin

2018. 14th of May
Dear Diary,
Well, I have to say, I was waited for this moment. I mean, when I can write you. I love how easy to tell you every single thing which bothers me. You always listen to me, and keep my secrets. As I said, I was waiting, because today was not my best. My friends didn't want to hang out, but we had a short talk in our gc. I wanted to tell them, I'm exhausted and a bit sad, but when they wrote about their problems, I felt like I don't have a right, to write down my feelings. Their problems are the first, I should be more caring, right? I want to help them so badly, even if I can't do much but listen. Because I know, speaking out your soul can mean so much. But they didn't asked me back again. No problem, "stay positive", I always tell this to myself. I know, someday we will hang out again and then I can tell them my thigs too. At least, I hope. Last time, I was among the ones who were just listening. Oh, and about my new friend. Well... this friend left me. This time I guess I couldn't help. I feel so sorry. Maybe I should watch out more, what I say. But... I just said the truth. I just gave advices. I wish, I could tell my new-old friend, I'm sorry. I want to try again, but I'm afraid, my words will be hurting. I don't want that!!! I don't want to hurt anybody. I got suddenly so scared. What if I hurted my old friends? Oh no, I can't stand these feelings. I have to go!
I'll write again!
Kim Seok Jin

2018. 27th of May
Dear Diary,
It's been a long time, right?
Sorry, but... To be honest, I didn't have any energy to write. I'm trapped. I'm thinking every day, all day. I want to figure out, how could I help my friends. Not long ago, I realized, whenever they tell me their problems, I just repeat myself. I feel like I can't say anything new, and they don't even notice it. I know, it's so bad to think about that they don't want to get better nor just think of it. They like these feelings, they like their depression. I'm so stupid to think this, right? I have to collect myself. I'm the worst human in this world. What kind of friend I am? They rely on me, they trust me, and I'm thinking like this. They are caring for me, they want this freindship as I want... so pathetic, so selfish. How did I got to this point, thinking about questions, like this? I don't deserve them right? I want to help them, I want to say something new. I want them to be brave and take new steps. But... what if I hurt them? I would die if something like this happened! I'm so puzzled, so lost. What should I say them?
I hope someday, they will ask me too, how I am doing. But for now, I have to think, I want to help, and I don't want to hurt them. That's like I would hurt myself. And... my new-old friend didn't reply me. But I'm not loosing hope haha!
Bye till the next time!
Kim Seok Jin

2018. 5th of June
Dear Diary,
I'm having a hard time. I'm totally bad. The guiltiness just eats me day by day. And it happened. The thing, which I feared the most, happened. I hurted one of them. I told my friend my honest opinion. But he just... left me. Without any word. At the school he's ignoring me. I stayed in touch with the others, but they still didn't ask me, how I am, how my day was. I guess, they will never ask me, right? Well, I can understand them. I would neither care about me. I didn't do it even till now. Sadly, my new-old friend never replied. I guess, I have to let this friend go. I can have just hope within me, that my friend doing alright.
And I know, that you didn't asked me either, but I want to write down, how lost I am. When two of my friends left me, I felt so bad, I cried, I hated myself, but at the same time, I was somehow relieved. I don't know why I am this bastard... We were close, right? I mean, I always listened their problems, I placed them before myself, I wanted to be a good friend. I wanted to be honest, because that's what friends are for, right? We show the right way to each other, right?
I showed the right way, but I don't know if they went on it or not. Is it really that bad being honest? Is it that bad that I feel like I was the one who wanted to work on these friendships?
I don't know. It's a total mess. I'm so tired of it...
Maybe from now on, I shouldn't find new friends, shouldn't try to help, shouldn't care, shouldn't try my best and be honest, shouldn't try to be kind and understanding. Maybe I shouldn't be so naive and full of hope. Maybe I shouldn't wait for them to ask, how I am, how my day is going. I shouldn't be the one who just listen, who just give advices. I shouldn't repeat myself in order to not hurt others. I shouldn't be the one who gives but never gets back anything.
But at the same time, I'm terrified. I'm scared to even say anything, to make a move, because I don't know, when I will hurt someone.
I should give up this, right? You'll be always here. You can always listen my words. How is it to be in my place? Must be lonely. And because I want to care about you, I'll stop these toxic writings. I don't want to hurt you.
Goodbye.
Kim Seok Jin