Another World | ✔️

Chapter Twenty-Three

Trigger Warnings
Depression
Self-Harm
Suicide

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"I just fell, Mom. I'm okay, really."

I hate lying to my mom, but I know it's for the best. She doesn't need to know the truth. It's not important enough to tell her about. She has enough going on right now between work and school. She shouldn't have to worry about me too.

Mom sighs and shakes her head, looking over at Zoe, who is sitting on the couch. "Thank you for bringing him home, Sweetie," she says with a smile. "And thank your mom for taking care of him while I was gone."

"Of course," Zoe says. "I better get home before it gets dark. Bye, Evan. Bye, Ms. Hansen."

"Bye, Zoe," I say quietly as Mom opens the door for her and she steps outside, turning to wave before opening the door to her Volvo.

I would have been fine walking home. I was planning to, but Zoe insisted that she drive me home. It made me nervous, being alone with her. I still have a crush on her, and it makes my heart flutter when she speaks to me, but with all that has happened this has become less important to me. Besides, what would Connor say if I started dating his little sister?

Still, I keep thinking back to the song she performed at the café that night. The way she smiled at me. . . Was that song for me. . ? I can't stop asking myself that.

I snap back to the present as I see Mom turn back to me. Her eyes are showing a mix of emotions: concern, anger, and sadness. I'm worried that she might know there is something more going on than just a fall, but I try not to let it show.

"Are you sure you're okay, Evan?"

"I'm fine. I promise. It doesn't even hurt that bad."

She sighs softly, closing her eyes. I can tell she wants to question me further, but she doesn't. Instead, she rests her hand on my shoulder. "Alright. . . Will you be okay if I get ready for bed then? Or do you need me to stay up with you did a bit to talk or anything?"

"Go ahead. You look exhausted."

Mom hesitates, then kisses my forehead. "If you need anything come get me, okay? I love you, Kiddo."

"I will," I promise. "Love you too."

She stands there for a moment before turning and heading upstairs. I wait until I hear her bedroom door close before following her.

All I want right now is to fall asleep and never wake back up, but I know that's not going to happen. I'm overwhelmed with emotion, but no tears come. I have that horrible numb feeling, like I would feel no pain if I were to slice open my wrists or swallow a bullet.

Who would care if you did?

I groan as the thoughts return, sending me into an unstoppable downward spiral. After today, I want to listen. I want to end it all. Just give up. I don't see any reason to keep living if every day is torturous for me. Today just proves that everyone hates me. All I am is a burden to the people I care about. Would it not be better for them if I just disappeared?

Mom wouldn't have to worry about me constantly. Connor could find a friend who is able to help him through his struggles. Zoe could find someone who she loves back. Jared wouldn't have to pretend to be friends with me. Alana wouldn't have to talk to me in the hall.

Everyone's lives would be better without me in them. It doesn't seem right to stay here when all I'm doing is hurting everyone around me.

My head is spinning with the thoughts. I desperately try to push them away. It's like I'm at war with myself. Part of me wants to keep fighting, but another part of me wants me to just give up.

Give up! Just do it already!

No!

Do it!

Please stop!

Just kill yourself, Evan!

Stop it! Stop it!

"Just let me out!"

I'm sobbing now, my hands shaking as I look down at them. The voices in my head are getting louder. I want to scream, but I know that if I'm too loud Mom will hear me and I'll have to explain everything. I'm not ready for that. I don't know if I ever will be.

She would hate me.

Not knowing what else to do, I bury my face in my pillow. I hope that soon the thoughts will stop, but I know that's unlikely. They keep getting worse, harder to push away. They come more frequently now, reminding me of each mistake I've made. I try to find ways to block them out, but it's useless at this point.

I'm a mess, and I'm struggling to pick up the pieces.