Another World | ✔️

Chapter Twenty-Six

Trigger Warnings
Depression
Suicide

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I close my eyes as I finish writing, feeling my whole body shake. I should be starting my walk to school, but I've decided that I'm not going today. Actually, I've decided that I won't be going back. I've decided that today will be it.

I hardly slept last night. The voices grew stronger as I tried, pushing me to my breaking point. It hurts me to think about doing this, but I know that it will end my pain. That's all I want. I just want to not have this horrible, unstoppable feeling anymore.

So instead of getting ready for school, I wrote a note.

Mom,
     I want you to know that I love you so much. I know that you've tried your best, and you'll never know how much I appreciate that. You've given up so much for my sake, and I know that nothing I do or say can ever repay that. You're so strong, and I'm proud of how easily you've pushed through obstacles in life.
     Please know that this is not the result of anything you've said or done. I'm just not as strong as you are. I'm not able to keep pushing through anymore. It's for the best that I go and stop being a burden to everyone that I care about.
     When you read this, tell my friends how much they mean to me. Thank Connor for giving me a chance and for trying to make my life better. Tell Zoe that she is wonderful and I meant it when I said her voice is beautiful. Tell Jared that no matter what, he will always be a friend to me. Tell Alana that she's a winner in my heart.
     Lastly, tell Dad that I'm sorry. Tell him that I'm sorry I wasn't enough. Ask him to hold his new son close. Ask him to protect him for me and to keep him safe from the demons that will surely come to him at some point in life. Ask him to not tell him that he had a brother who took his own life. Don't poison his mind with the thought that his brother wasn't strong enough. Let him a happy life without knowing I ever existed.
     Again, I love you and I'm so grateful for all you've done for me. I'm sorry that I was never able to give you much in return.
          Sincerely,
          Me

I take a shaky breath, laying the paper down for a moment after reading over it. I know that there's so much more that I could say, but it will be hard enough for Mom to read a letter this long and tears are already streaming down my face.

I think for a few minutes about what comes next before picking up my phone and sliding it open. I'm not surprised when I have no messages. For a moment, I wonder if maybe I should just close it again, not sending the message that I have prepared. Eventually I make up my mind, sending a message to Connor.

The message is much more raw than the one I wrote for Mom, and my tears turn to sobs as I send it. There's no turning back now.

I continue to cry as I pick up the orange bottle that sits on my desk. My hands are shaking, and I'm afraid that I might drop it and spill the pills onto the floor, but I don't. After a few moments, I gather the strength to unscrew the cap and pour the capsules into my hand. I give it one last thought before I swallow them.

I place the bottle back on my desk before picking up the note once again. My heart is racing as I lie down in my bed, holding it close to my chest.

It's over. . . It's finally over. . . All that's left to do is wait. . .

I sigh softly, closing my eyes. I'm exhausted, and I know that it will be so much less painful if I manage to fall asleep. It will be peaceful. That's what I keep telling myself. It will be like falling into a deep, never ending sleep.

There will be no more worries. No more pain. No more anxiety. No more depression. No more anything.

As I start drifting off to sleep, I take in my surroundings one last time. I remember when I was younger the room seemed so big, but now that I'm older it feels so small. It feels so claustrophobic. It's filled with so much clutter, and I wonder if maybe I should have cleaned up a bit first, but now it's too late. In just a few short moments, the world around me grows black.

This is it. This is the end.