Shattered Heart

Chapter 41

CHAPTER 41

It was my first week here in New York, there's an heavy blizzard outside, and I'm just looking on it with a blank face.

Mukhang hindi rin magtatagal ang mga magulang ko dito, they still need to handle our company, lalo na ngayong wala na ang Ellianor to help us.

"Mr. and Mrs. Ellianor were shocked about the news." Sambit ni Dad. I'm just listening while my eyes are on focus in watching outside.

I'm sad and deeply hurt. Pakiramdam ko ay pinapatay ako ng sakit sa bawat minutong lumilipas. There's a time that I almost give up and think, is the pain I'm dealing has it purpose? Is it worth it or I deserved this?

He became my world, that's why I felt like my world is crashed in every pieces like what's happening on my heart.

Gusto kong magalit kay Diordè for causing me so much of pain that I can't handle, but everytime I'm seeing his face on my mind, napapawi 'yon at napapalitan ng sakit.

Bigla akong napatayo sa kinaupuan ko nang may maramdaman akong kakaiba, mabilis akong tumungo sa banyo upang sumuka nang sumuka.

Pakiramdam ko ay bumabaliktad at umiigtad ang sikmura ko, dumeretso ako sa mismong inidoro at d'on hinayaan ang sariling sumuka.

I've been like this for a whole week, madalas din akong mahilo. I over slept yet my head is aching, pabago bago din ang mood ko, and I don't know why. Tulog na nga lang ang ginagawa ko, trying to escape the reality who's slapping my face to wake me up.

Nakasunod pala sina Mommy sa likod, hinaplos niya ang likod ko, ramdam ko ang pag-aalala nila sa akin.

"Anong nangyayari sayo anak?" Tanong ni Mommy, "Do you want to go to hospital?" She asked.

Tumayo ako bago umiling, ngunit saktong pagtayo ko ay siyang pag-ikot ng paningin ko, napakapit ako sa may door knob, I felt numb all of the sudden.

Hanggang sa nawalan ako ng malay at nagising na lamang ako, nasa isang puting kwarto na napapalibutan ng kurtina, natutulog sa tabi ko si Mommy habang si Daddy ay nakahiga sa sofa.

Naramdaman kong gumalaw si Mommy, ngumiti siya bago ako nilapitan at mahigpit na yumakap, she started to cry out loud.

"Anak." Mommy softly said, "You're 2 weeks pregnant."

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa gulat, hindi ako makapaniwala, kusang namuo ang butil ng luha sa mga mata ko at wala sa sarili kong hinaplos ang tiyan ko.

"Sabi ng doctor mahina daw ang kapit ng bata." Umiiyak si Mommy nang sabihin niya 'yon, she held my hands. "Tell it to Jaxon hija, he have the rights to know. Anak niyong dalawa 'to and you both need to face it."

Muli ay hinaplos ko ang tiyan ko, the moment I thought that there's no one going to love me, dumating ang mga anghel sa buhay ko. Naglandasan ang luha sa mata ko, sa kalagitnaan ng sakit ay may namuong pag-asa sa puso ko.

"No," umiling ako, "Mommy, ayoko ng guluhin ang buhay nila. Sullie doesn't have anyone but Diordè. I still have you both, I know that you won't leave me behind."

I decided to take home schooling, they decided to let my Aunt and Uncle to run our business and just be with me while I'm carrying my child.

As soon as I felt my child, mula ng dumating sa buhay ko ang anak ko, nabigyan ako ng panibagong lakas upang lumaban, I don't have Diordè but our child is with me and that's more than enough for me, my child gave me a strength to fight for every battle I'm going to face, as long as I know that I have my child by my side.

Nang manganak ako, lahat ng sakit na naramdaman ko ay napawi nang makita ko ang kambal ko. Yes, I have twin, I named them Psalm Gideon and Mary Escleofaith.

I'm contented and happy to have them in my arms, pakiramdam ko ay binuong muli ng anak ko ang puwang sa puso ko. I don't care even if I'm young and naive, but sure is I will love them unconditionally.

Ano kayang mararamdaman ni Diordè kung nalaman niyang nagkaanak kami? Is he going to be happy? Jump out of happiness and excitement? Hug me so tight? Paano niya kaya itatrato ang mga anak namin if he had a chance to meet them?

Nilagok ko ang iniinom kong alak dahil sa mga thoughts na umiikot sa isip ko, at this dark and sad nights, minsan ay napapaisip ako, what if I choose to be self-centered and selfish again?

Pilit kong nililimot ang lahat, ang nararamdaman ko at ang sakit, maging ang mga alaalang binuo naming dalawa, pero bakit sobrang hirap?

Napayuko ako sa counter bar ng bahay ko, may nararamdaman akong pamilyar na sakit sa dibdib ko, hindi ko alam ngunit puno na naman ako ng guilt, why now? Kung kailan halos malimutan ko na lahat?

It's sad to know that the person who gave you best memories became a memory, and will remain as a memory.

Jace is nice to me, I'm being unfait to him, he's kind and sweet to me. Ginawa niya ang lahat just for me to be happy and forget my pain, but why can't I love him back? Sinubsob ko ang sarili at napailing-iling.

Naisip ko ang mga anak ko, they never meet their Dad and I don't want them to meet him. I'm doing my best to be their Mommy and Daddy at the same time and I hope it'll be enough for them. Ayoko, natatakot akong baka kapag nalaman ni Diordè na may anak siya sa akin, kunin niya ito sa akin.

Mali na ipinagkait ko sa kan'ya ang katotohanan, mali ding iwan siya ng walang kaalam-alam, ngunit pakiramdam ko ay 'yon ang tama, dahil tama lang na tapusin namin 'yon para sa ikabubuti ng iba, hindi ba?

Naisip ko rin kung naging unfair ba ako sa mga anak ko dahil hindi ko man lang hinayaan na makilala nila ang kanilang ama? Paano kung nalaman nilang may iba ng pamilya ang Daddy nila? Alam ko naman na ikasasakit ng loob nila 'yon, and I won't that happen.

I'm doing this for Cleo and Psalm. This is the best way for them to not to feel what I felt before. The feeling of being unimportant, ain't prioty, second choice and waiting in vain. Alam na alam ko ang pakiramdam na 'yon and alam ko kung gaano 'yon kasakit, they'd rather not to know who's their father and hate me for not telling them about him than the feel the same pain I used to feel.

Nagsalin ako ng Rum sa baso ko at ininom 'yon, mapahiyaw ako ng bahagya nang maramdaman ang hapdi na gumuhit sa lalamunan ko.

Nasapo ko ang noo, napalingon ako sa phone ko at muling binasa ang mensahe na kani-kanina lang pinadala sa akin.

Napapikit ako ng mariin, may onting takot ang nasa kaloob-looban ko na hindi ko alam kung galing saan, paano kung magkita kami ulit and by chance?

Mrs. Tsuverg, Art Gallery.

Ms. Fortugues, your form was accepted but the slot on our exhibit in New York is full by up now. We're going to transfer you on the Philippines, is that okay with you?

Think about it, it's a big opportunity for a fresh graduate student like you. But we can't compromise about next time, it's still up to you if you want to take it, that's good, if you don't then goodluck.

Again have a nice day, and think well about it.