A/N:
I'm starting the New Year right :)
***
The decision to go through with the separation in a legal manner was overwhelming.
Pero tama si Mama.
Besides, I wanted to be completely free from Dan.
Kahit pilit siyang gumagawa ng paraan para mabinbin ang pag-uusap namin, it doesn't mean na maghihintay ako kung kelan siya magiging available.
I did that for years.
May napala ba ako?
The steps I'm taking were for myself and my freedom.
Kahit siguro Nel was out of the picture, kahit hindi kami magkakilala, kahit she existed in a parallel universe, a universe where we have no place in each others lives, I will still do this not for us but more for myself.
When I decided to make an appointment with Attorney Salazar, sobrang nerbiyos ko.
Going in, hindi ko alam kung ano ang dapat i-expect.
Hindi ko alam kung ano ang mga itatanong at kung paano ko dapat sagutin ang mga tanong niya.
Mabuti na lang at magkakilala ang mga nanay namin dahil pagpasok ko sa office niya, she had the biggest smile on her face kaya medyo napanatag ang loob ko.
First time ko siya makilala.
Matangkad siya, payat at may dimples sa magkabilang pisngi.
Morena si Attorney and she had a friendly aura.
I was expecting someone like Portia De Rossi from Ally McBeal—cold and distant.
She asked kung gusto ko ng maiinom.
I jokingly answered na at that moment, tequila ang nasa isip ko.
I regretted saying it dahil the last thing I want was to give her the impression that I have a drinking problem pero nakuha niya naman ang joke ko dahil yun din daw ang gusto niya.
"But I'm on the clock kaya hindi pwedeng uminom." Pinaupo niya ako across the cherry wood desk.
"What about orange juice?"
"That sounds good. Thank you."
Ang expectation ko during the meeting was, diretso agad sa pakay ko ang pag-uusapan namin.
Her time is expensive at baka hindi ko ma-afford the longer I spend time with her.
Pero imbes na i-discuss ang reason for our meeting, kinilala niya muna ako by talking about her mother.
Hindi pa daw siya nakakasakay sa eroplano pabalik ng Pinas eh nagtext na ito agad.
Ang bilin pa ng mama niya, not to treat me as a client but as a family member dahil parang kapatid niya na daw ang turing nito kay Mama.
"That's her way of pressuring me and telling me not to mess this up." Nakasmile pa din siya.
It was heartwarming to know na may mga tao who was looking after my mother.
Habang nagsasalita siya, lalo akong napapalagay.
Hindi na masyadong mahigpit ang hawak ko sa baso ng orange juice.
Kinuwento din ni Attorney ang trip niya sa Switzerland kasi I asked her about it.
Gusto niya daw magretire dun kasi sariwa ang hangin at napakapeaceful.
When she asked kung saan ko gustong magretire, Canada agad ang pumasok sa isip ko pero hindi ko sinabi.
Naisip ko na baka kapag nalaman niya ang tungkol kay Nel, madiskaril ang lahat.
About an hour after namin mag-usap was when we discussed the reasons why I was seeking legal advice.
She asked me to start from the very beginning.
Kung paano kami nagkakilalala ni Dan, if it was love at first sight or if there was the feeling that he was the one.
I searched my mind for answers.
The truth was, when I first met Dan, I thought he was very cocky.
Ang taas ng tingin sa sarili kasi he had money, tiwala sa kakayahan niya bilang engineer at malakas ang dating sa mga babae.
Isa ako sa mga tao na hindi nagkakandarapa sa kanya and that was the reason why he pursued me.
Kaya naman ng nadulas ang boss ko at sinabi ang tunay na dahilan kung bakit hahabol-habol sakin si Dan kahit pa sinabihan ko siya na I'm not interested, I felt like a trophy.
I even asked myself kung ang reason why it was so easy for him to take me for granted was because when he conquered me, wala ng thrill para sa kanya?
Was there ever a part of him that truly loved me?
Napansin ko na Attorney Salazar didn't write anything down.
Para siyang therapist na nakikinig lang sa bawat sinasabi ko.
Nagtatanong siya to clarify some things and I struggled when I was talking.
Pinagpawisan ako kasi while I was recounting my experience, narealize ko na I was very unhappy in my marriage.
I was alone for most of it.
When Dan comes home, we spend it with his family.
We go to places na gusto niyang puntahan, we see people na gusto niyang bisitahin.
He spends time with his friends at iniiwan niya ako sa bahay ng nanay niya.
Kapag nasa Pilipinas siya, madalaw naming dalawin ang family ko dahil most of our time were spent with Dan and his gazillion relatives who would show up unannounced.
Hingi sila ng hingi ng kung anu-ano.
Sinasabi niya sa akin na nagbibigay siya ng pera sa mga kamag-anak niya pero when I asked kung magkano, ang lagi niyang sinasabi ay hindi na mahalaga kung magkano.
Pera niya naman daw iyon so huwag na akong magtanong.
I mentioned this to Attorney Salazar.
Kahit hindi siya magsalita, alam ko na umaandar ang isip niya dahil sa mental picture na nabubuo tungkol sa pagsasama namin ni Dan.
Binanggit ko din na kapag umaalis si Dan, I spend my time in our bedroom dahil kapag nakikipag-usap ako sa nanay niya, kinukulit niya ako tungkol sa pagbubuntis.
Nung umpisa, it was okay.
Alam ko naman na when we got married, yun na ang susunod.
But as the years went by at hindi ako mabuntis, napansin ko na parang may halong pagkainip sa tono ng nanay niya.
Kulang na lang sabihin niya ng diretso na may mali sa akin.
It was at this point during the meeting when I cried.
Masakit pa din sa akin ang bagay na ito.
Nabuhay ulit ang insecurity na matagal ding nakaapekto sa worth ko bilang babae.
Inabutan ako ni Attorney ng tissue.
Inalok niya din ako ng tubig at tumango ako.
Bago matapos ang meeting namin, pakiramdam ko, gumaan ang dibdib ko.
It felt like I went to see a psychiatrist and not a lawyer.
BINABASA MO ANG
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