Relief • (Sixx:A.M)

This Is Gonna Hurt

JAMES' P.O.V.

(8 months earlier)

"All alone in your house of panic,
And all the things that you love
Make you manic.
You look like you could use a friend
Someone to make this madness end..."

It's hard to pinpoint when this all started... After a while everything in your life becomes a blur of chaos and pure craziness, at least for me it kind of feels like that.

For those of you that don't know me, let me introduce myself.  I'm James Michael, and most people probably recognize me as the frontman of the rock group, SIXX A.M.  Before that, however, I was mainly working behind the scenes as a songwriter and producer, for not only my music, but other people's music. 

I wasn't always comfortable being in the spotlight.  In fact, that's never what I actually wanted.  I fell in love with everything that happened behind the scenes, that thinking about being out there in the front actually made me nervous.  It was out of my comfort zone.  Let's just say the first few shows I did with SIXX A.M were... to put it lightly, rough.  I wasn't hitting the right notes and, I couldn't even talk to an audience, for God's sake.  I'll never forget, the first show we did for CrueFest was in Florida, and the weather was so humid.  My hair was sticking to my face and wasn't staying right, so because I couldn't think of anything to say to the audience, I started rambling about how the weather was Fucking my hair up and how I wish I knew all the girl's secrets to keeping their hair in tact.  Oh man... I'm cringing as I think about it.  Nikki and DJ must have been so embarrassed. 

But, you know, practice makes perfect, right?  I think I got the whole "lead singer in the spotlight" thing down pat now.

Speaking of "perfect", I almost forgot to mention.  I can be somewhat of a perfectionist.  If you ask Nikki and DJ, they'll tell you that I had such a hard time transitioning from being a producer back in the studio, to being out in the open on stage.  See, when you're producing, you have all the control.  You have control over every little thing that happens... every little sound you change up in the song... every little beat or tempo.  It's all in your hands.  It's yours to create, and you get to decide how the song is gonna end up.  When you record your vocals, you can do as many takes as you need until you get the one that you feel sounds "right".  Then you can tweak it even more if need be.

When you're on stage, in front of a live audience... you have to let go of some of that control.  Actually, a lot of that control is gone.  You have to go with the flow and allow yourself to be flexible, because you never know what could happen up there.  Someone might miss a note, or your microphone might stop working, or your voice cracks.  You can't click rewind and go fix it.  You just have to deal with it and move forward.  I had such a hard time... I remember there were so many times that Nikki and DJ had to sit me down after a show because they just knew that I was beating myself up for something ridiculous like my voice cracking, and they told me I had to take my "producers hat" off. 

Now, I know a lot of you are probably thinking, "What's so bad about being a perfectionist?  Doesn't that make you a really hard worker?"  Don't get me wrong, there is truth to that, but there's always a downside, and I'll admit that. 

When I'm recording music in the studio, I will not leave that room until I decide that the finished product is "flawless."  I get completely obsessed with getting every little thing right, that I'll start to neglect other things in order to make that happen.  Those "other things" just so happen to include myself.

I'm too focused on perfecting my work that nothing else matters any-more.  Eating doesn't matter.  Drinking doesn't matter, unless it's caffeine because that will keep me up longer so I can work longer.  Sleeping doesn't matter.  All that matters in those moments is that I make the best music, mix the best albums, and record my best vocals.