Relief • (Sixx:A.M)

Codependency

NIKKI's P.O.V:

If I hadn't grabbed James as soon as I did, that car would have hit him.

Everything happened so fast.

James had panicked when me and DJ tried talking to him, and I knew he was, because for the first time, he didn't hold back. I'm not sure if he meant to spit out all of those thoughts that his head spat at him, but he did... That's when I felt his anxiety, and I tried to talk him down... He ended up crumbling to the ground, as his body curled in on itself. It was hard to see. I can't imagine how vulnerable James felt. I also know that when anxiety is that bad, reality becomes blurred, but at the same time, everything gets so chaotic up in your head.

Me and DJ sat down and attempted to ground him... in any way that we could. Sometimes tight embraces work to bring someone back to the present, so we tried that. I was able to feel James's heart beating out of his chest just by hugging him. He was shaking, and at this point, I don't think he could even get words out to talk or even scream... I was hoping that by using a gentle tone of voice, it would help bring him down.

It was in that moment, when it happened.

He pulled away. He pulled out of my grip so fast that even if I tried to stop him, I know I wouldn't have been able to.

I also know that he probably felt way too vulnerable after I told him that he was a good person who deserved good things. I know he probably felt uncomfortable, and the thought of people caring about him scared him... I know that he probably ran off because he felt like he needed to escape.

That's usually the first urge to pop up when feeling scared. You want to run away from things that make you feel uncomfortable.

The thing is that I normally would have expected this, and I would have let him be, but this time, I just sensed that something wasn't right.

I've never actually seen James in such a high state of panic before, and that in itself concerned me, because of his mood shifts. As far as I knew, he was in the midst of a depressive episode, and I'm not exactly sure if his episodes are mixed or separate... He's never told me if he sometimes has mania while he's depressed... That can happen. Someone with Bipolar Disorder can have episodes of depression and mania at the same time, and like I've mentioned, mania isn't always euphoric... Mania escalates every single emotion that someone is feeling, whether it's frustration, anxiety, excitement, rage, or even disgust. You're just at a high point, and everything feels like it's going so fast. Your mind races, your emotions feel like they're gonna burst right outta you, and you feel like you can't control your impulses.

That's the reason why this time, I wouldn't let him be. This time, I followed him out.

I had a gut feeling that if I didn't, something might happen. I don't know for sure if that intense panic and anxiety-filled outburst were signs of mania, but there was a pretty high chance of it being true... and I know that when someone is manic, all of their decisions are made without thinking... I also know that a lot of times, impulsive decisions can be reckless, risky, and dangerous.

So, I followed him. I'll admit that it was more difficult that I thought it would be, because James got away so fast. It was hard to keep up with him, and it shocked me that he even had that much energy inside of his depleted body. I don't know how he even got as far as he did... It was most likely just adrenaline that gave him a false sense of energy.

Before I knew it, I had found myself outside. It was dark out, but the city lights gave me a clear view of where I was headed. I had sirens going off in my head, my eyes were darting around, and my heart was pounding out of my chest, because I was really fucking scared of something happening. That all escalated when I couldn't see James at all... I had lost him somewhere in the midst of my frantic search.