Relief • (Sixx:A.M)

Courtesy Call

JAMES' P.O.V:

I'm so depressed to the point where I'm numb and I'm not feeling much of anything. I've become desensitized to emotion.

I have no balance... It's always one end of the pendulum to the other... either overload, emotional intensity OR numbness and hypoarousal...

I constantly feel weak, fatigued, sore, and dizzy. I'm muscle wasting, and sometimes I can hardly move from where I am sitting because my legs don't want to work. I get muscle cramps and pins and needles... When I stretch, all of my bones crack, and I am in so much pain, but of course I do my best to pretend everything is fine, when obviously... it's not.

I constantly taste stomach acid in my mouth from all of the purging and it's disgusting. My teeth are probably rotting from all of the acid on the enamel. My throat currently feels like I swallowed glass, and my face and cheeks are puffy from the purging.

This isn't 'fine.'

This is sick.

Also, whenever I sit, my body hurts because I have no cushion for my bones. My tailbone, hipbones, and spine all jut out, and even laying in bed is painful... The mattress isn't enough cushion for me.

I'm dying and I know that, but I can't stop. I don't know what the hell I'm doing at this point.

There's no James anymore.

I lost all hope and that's fine, because I know this is gonna kill me anyway, so I might as well just keep doing it... I'm a chronic, hopeless case.

I wish I could sleep and not wake up because this would all be over, and I wouldn't have to deal with any of this anymore. I would finally be at peace.

That's all I want.

That fuckin' car should have hit me that night. It should have hit me, and if it did, I wouldn't be here right now begging for something else to kill me...

I didn't even know that I had ran into traffic... I must have dissociated during that episode, but Nikki told me what happened, and how he pulled me away... It was an impulsive, reckless decision on my part... a panic fueled, manic decision... I didn't know what the hell I was doing... I couldn't think straight... My mind wasn't clear... But now...

Now, I'm sitting here, I wishing that it hit me... Right now, I'm feeling frustrated that Nikki didn't let it happen.

I just can't do this any more.

I'm desperate... I want the pain to end. I feel like I'm living in Hell all the time, and I can't do this.

I'm exhausted. I'm drained. I'm lost to a point of no return.

I'm begging for help on the inside, but defending and protecting this addiction with all I got on the outside...

~ ~ ~

'Well you found me, but I don't know
Why you wanna save me...'

~ ~ ~

Four days later:

If I'm not laying in bed, awake, letting my shame and dark thoughts eat away at me, then I'm either doing something self-destructive or just fuckin.... unreal.

I don't even know how I got here... I don't know why I'm here... Actually, that's a big lie. I know why I'm here. My neglected and screwed up brain led me here... My body led me here, because it's so desperate for nutrition. It led me here to try to remind me to feed it... It led me here as a huge attempt to get me to hunt for food. It led me here because it's pleading for me to nourish it. It's pleading for me to take care of it.