Relief • (Sixx:A.M)

That's Gonna Leave A Scar

1 week later

JAMES' P.O.V:

I feel like the biggest piece of shit right now because I gotta be honest... There is really no part of me that is thrilled about having our album release after party tonight.

I know we all worked incredibly hard on the double album, and now it's finally the day that we get to release the second half to the world, but I'm gonna be completely worn out after our show... I already know that I'm just gonna want to go back to my hotel room and lock myself away.

But, tonight I'm not gonna be able to do that. I'm gonna be forced to be around everyone and I'm gonna have to put on that facade that I'm so accustomed to wearing these days... except I'm gonna have to keep it up for the whole night.

Honestly, even though I've gotten used to embodying a different persona when I'm performing, it's gotten extremely tiring. I've had to do this for so long now, and I'm getting sick of it.

Going out and performing every other night has become very draining. Pretending everything is okay for our audience is exhausting. It takes too much energy. It takes way more energy than I feel like I have these days.

On normal nights, I get to hide away from the world after performances. I get to let my mask fall off because I'm alone... It's only me and my thoughts and emotions that are locked up in that room, so there's no one that I have to hide my problems from. I don't have to pretend. I can just... be.

But... tonight... I'm feeling so much dread.

The shows are exhausting enough... Having to put on my facade for two hours is long enough, but I'm gonna have to keep it going.

I don't even know who the hell is even gonna end up being at the party, but I just know I'm gonna be surrounded by a ton of people... maybe even fans... and I'm just gonna have to act normal... like there's absolutely nothing wrong.

I'll have to act as if I'm thrilled and passionate and excited, when in reality, I've lost most of those sparks that were once held deep inside of my soul.

My soul feels empty — I'm starting to feel so disconnected from the person I used to be. Sometimes, I look at myself and I don't even know the person that's looking back at me. I don't see myself. I see a monster. I see a person who is completely different from who I thought I was... and I don't know how this happened.

How did I go from someone who was excited, motivated, and passionate about everything I did... to a hollow, lifeless, isolative, self-destructing bastard?

My soul feels empty, but at the same time, it is full to the brim with debilitating shame, rage, and hopelessness.

These horrific emotions consume me. They suffocate me and leave me feeling paralyzed. I don't know how to handle them, and the only way I know how is to self-destruct, but in the end everything I do makes me feel even worse. I feel worse, so I engage again... The cycle doesn't end.

I'm trapped.

I'm living in Hell, and I hate it, but I don't know how to stop. I wish I could, but I don't have the energy to try to change anything, because I don't think I CAN change.

I've lost hope. This has been going on for too long now, and I've begun to accept that this is how I'll be living the rest of my life. There's no point in trying to change — because if there was, it would have happened already.

It would have worked when I tried to stop, but it didn't.

I don't think it ever will.

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