Relief • (Sixx:A.M)

Are You With Me Now?

The next morning:

Nikki's P.O.V.

DJ came into my room at three in the morning, a complete wreck.  Understandably so... I was half asleep when he knocked on my door, and when I opened it, he was standing there almost in tears.  I'll be honest, I was shocked.  I've never seen him cry before, so I knew that something was seriously wrong and I let him in so we could talk.

He told me he was worried about James, and that he saw James exercising before he came to talk to me, which is why he was upset in the first place.  Then, he told me that he found laxatives and diet pills in James' room.  He was in tears and could hardly form a complete sentence.  It was hard to witness, and also hard to hear this information.

I'm a very observant person.  I've been keeping an eye on James, just because that's what I do.  I like to think of myself as a mentor to him and DJ.  I've been through shit and hope that I could use my wisdom and experience to help and guide other people.  It's just part of who I am.  Helping others fulfills me.

I've known James for a good amount of time now.  He's always been a workaholic, like me.  He's that person who will work for days on end and forget to eat, or drink, or sleep, just because he's so obsessed with perfecting whatever task he has at hand.  He's definitely a perfectionist in the studio when he's producing.  It's funny.  I remember when he first started performing live, he would be upset with himself if his voice cracked on stage.  Me and DJ had to tell him to "take his producer's hat off" because performing is a whole different realm than being in the studio where you have so much control over every little thing.  When you're on stage, it's spontaneous and sometimes chaotic.  Anything could happen and you just have to go with the flow and be creative...

The reason I'm bringing this up is because before DJ even brought anything up with me, I had already noticed certain things, like James hardly eating.  I've noticed his weight loss, and for someone already as naturally thin as he is, it's not hard to notice.  I know when he's in manic episodes, he could easily go nights without sleep and he eats less, so I'll be the first to admit that I thought maybe it had something to do with that.  So, I kept my eye out just to see if anything else seemed out of the blue.

As the weeks went on, more and more things kept popping up.  I was a bit confused when DJ told me that James had gone for a run in the pouring rain that day.  It seemed a little strange to me that he would willingly do that, so I did ask him about it, but I remembered how he played it off.  At the time, I let it slide.  He's James.  He does crazy things sometimes.  We all do.

The only issue was that these things kept going on.  I never saw him increase the amount that he ate, and I was pretty sure he still wasn't getting enough sleep.  In the back of my head, I knew that this couldn't just be a manic episode.  I know him, and he never had an episode that lasted more than two weeks.

I grew increasingly concerned, but I didn't say anything.  I know a lot of you are wondering why, especially because I am a recovering addict, and if anyone would be the first to spot these signs and say something, wouldn't it be me?

You're absolutely right.  I do see the signs, because I've been through an addiction myself.  This was just more complicated than that because of the fact that James also has Bipolar.  I already knew that the things he was doing seemed out of the blue, even for a manic episode, but I didn't want to just jump right in and confront him.  Part of me is saying I should have, but the other part of me is saying that what I did was justified.

I know addicts.  I know the nature of addicts, how they see things, and I know how addicts react to things.  I knew something was up, but I also knew that if I just went and said something, there would have been a load of defensiveness.  Especially considering his Bipolar disorder, there was the possibility in the back of my head —- What if I confronted him, and it was just something that had to do with that, and nothing else?