Relief • (Sixx:A.M)

Drive

1 week later

DJ's P.O.V:

I want to believe James is okay.

I really, really, want to believe him when he says that he's resting and that he ate already, whenever he rejects food. I want to believe that he's doing better, and that he's making an effort to take care of himself.

I want to, so fuckin' bad, but there's this part of me that doesn't feel right about some things.

That interview last week really got my nerves up. The way James was acting just made a huge pit form in my abdomen, but of course, I couldn't show my anxiety. We were being filmed. It was hard to ignore, and push away the fact that he started to fall asleep in the middle of it!

I was concerned enough when I saw him dozing off on the car ride to the studio, but during the actual interview? That was horrifying and just twisted my whole body up into knots. James is never tired... Well, you know what? That's probably a lie. He's been known to overwork himself, so I can guarantee that he's tired a lot, but he never shows it.... ever.

Then.... Well, before he fell asleep, I offered him a croissant, because I know for me, I couldn't resist one. He declined. His response?

"Nah, I ate before.... Maybe later."

I hate to admit this, but I don't know if I really believed him. I had a strong urge to ask if he really ate, and what he ate, and when he ate—-

You know why? God, do you know why? I'm so hung up on the fact that he still looks sickly thin. I know I mentioned that already, but I can't get that out of my head. Even though he was wearing a jacket, which by the way... That in itself sparked a crap ton of questions to begin with.

A jacket, in the middle of summer... Why?

He said he took a cold shower and that he never takes cold showers, so that confused his body. I get that, but even so, it's the summer! I don't understand how someone can be that cold in August. And he probably doesn't think that I saw that he had two shirts on... I was able to tell.

What's worse is that even though he had all of those layers on, I could still see how... emaciated he looked. I don't like using that word because it kinda feels disgusting, but that's what it looks like to me, and it makes me upset.

I really wanted him to give me proof that he did eat, because I was so goddamn worried. I was gonna ask him...

But, I held my impulses back, because I knew that making a scene in public right before a professional interview wouldn't have been the best idea.

So, once again, I had to sit through something, feeling uneasy and slightly tense, because I had so much emotion held inside of me.

That wasn't the only time this week that I had to do that, either.

Honestly, ever since that interview I feel like I've been noticing more and more things... and I don't like them.

For example, the other night the three of us were hanging out backstage, and James was eating a chocolate bar, which shocked me, by the way. Not that long after, he seemed to be in pain, and obviously that concerned me, so I automatically asked if he was okay. Honestly, James is never really the kind of guy to show his pain, so this surprised me. He's the kind of guy that doesn't ask for help. I've known him for so long and he always wants to put up the front that he can handle everything on his own, so this stood out to me... a lot.

He kind of ignored the question at first, but I could tell that Nikki noticed too, so he prodded him too.

When James finally answered, you could literally hear the pain in his voice, even though I can tell he was trying to hide it.