Relief • (Sixx:A.M)

Let's Go

JAMES' P.O.V:

My heart is pounding out of my chest and my mind is racing, as I make my way into my kitchen.  I immediately open the refrigerator, and reach in to grab some grilled chicken, so I could make a salad for my lunch.

The only problem is that I must have thought I had it and was sadly mistaken, because there is no chicken to be seen.

I can feel my stomach drop as my heart skips a beat.

No...

I'm tensing up as I stare blankly at the inside of the fridge.

No... God, no!

That's when I start frantically going through all of the containers, hoping that by some miracle, the grilled chicken I planned to eat would appear.

It takes a lot to hold myself back from slamming the fridge shut and throwing something.  Honestly, all I want to do in this moment is scream.

HOW could I have not remembered that I finished that up?!

You planned on eating grilled chicken so you could put it in a salad with all of your fresh vegetables that you bought the other day, but you finished the goddamn chicken and didn't realize that?!

James, you're a fuckin' idiot!

I run my hands through my hair and start pacing around my kitchen, trying to figure out what the hell I'm supposed to do now.

I was already a bit anxious as it is since I was gonna be eating later than I usually do, because I completely lost track of time while I was chatting with Nikki and DJ after our interview, but now my head is about to explode because I don't have the food I planned to eat.

So... now my whole plan for the day is completely fucked up, and it's all my fault because I couldn't keep myself on top of things because I can't do anything right.

My brain is beginning to spit out venomous things about myself.  What else is new?  Sometimes I really can't stand my mind.  One moment I'm feeling great and everything is amazing and then the next, I feel like I'm being spun around caught in a dark, depressing tornado, and then getting thrown straight into the flames of Hell.

Sounds crazy?  Well, it is.  This is what I live with on a daily basis.

Welcome to my life.

All I can think to myself is how much I wish I was normal right now.  I can't think of anyone I know who would be reacting this way to this situation, and it's just hitting me more and more how fuckin' ridiculous my mind has become.

I suddenly stop pacing, because I'm realizing that I'm wasting even more time by freaking out and doing nothing about it.  I take a deep breath in, as I squeeze my eyes shut.

I'm gonna have to compromise.

It kills me to even think about that word.  Compromise.  That means being flexible.  It means straying away from the plan... the structure... the predictability.  Compromising feels uncomfortable, chaotic, and out of control.

Compromising feels unsafe and I don't like it.

However, I'm trying to remind myself how compromising in this situation could actually be a good thing.  For one, if I just skip lunch altogether because my plans got fucked and I can't handle doing something different, my metabolism will slow down. It'll slow down, and I'll also be low on protein for the day which will fuck up the muscle that I built for this tour.  If I don't eat lunch, my body is going to think it's being deprived, and it will start to eat at my muscle as fuel.  And if it starts eating at my muscle, that will slow down my metabolism because the more muscle you have, the higher your metabolism is, and if my metabolism slows down, I'll end up gaining weight and I'll feel sluggish, worn down, and I'll become a fat piece of fuckin' shit——