Relief • (Sixx:A.M)

Deadlihood

JAMES' P.O.V:

Day fifteen of hell:

"So, James, hows your last week off of touring going?"

Well, I'm really happy you asked... It's just.... great.

I will literally pay someone to make my mind shut up and fix my head.

It's almost two in the morning and I'm pacing around in the kitchen, awake. Why am I not in my room? Well, I'm glad you asked. Let me explain.

Well, first of all, I definitely overdid it on the caffeine today. I had so much goddamn energy that I ended up working out for a solid three hours before this. In the middle of working out, I tripped and bruised my knee really bad, but because I'm a fuckin' idiot, I just kept going anyway!

Then, I took a shower and had a great time in there... When I say great, you know I'm full of shit because when the hell does seeing my body naked, watching clumps of my hair fall out, and shiver til the end of time ever feel great? Exactly, it doesn't.

Anyway, I was jittery the whole damn day but now I feel myself crashing and trust me, I would love to lay down in my bed and relax right now, even if I won't fall asleep, but that just sucks for me because it's not happening.

Right now, I'm too busy obsessing over what I should have for breakfast tomorrow. Yes, you heard me correctly. This happens every fuckin' night because for some reason I feel the need to plan out what I'm eating for breakfast the night before. It puts me at ease a bit knowing I won't have to obsess over it in the morning. Anyway, there's two choices in my head that I can't decide between: Oatmeal or All Bran.

Yeah, I forgot to mention, I've been on a fiber kick lately, because I realized that it helps me shit so it can almost be used as a laxative if I don't get ahold of real ones. God, that sounds fucked...

So, yes, I can't choose between those two foods and the issue is that I like to prepare it the night before so it's all ready when I wake up the next morning. I can't let myself relax until I make the meal now....

The issue is that I've been trying to decide on this shit for over a goddamn hour, and I got interrupted by having to run to the bathroom because my bowels decided to give me a hard time. Either the laxatives kicked in at the worst of times, or the fiber I've been eating gave me a kick in the ass. I was in the bathroom for over twenty minutes, shitting myself, and I was too scared to get up because I thought it would happen again. Seriously, imagine if I went back out into the kitchen and tried to prepare my food and all of a sudden it happened there?

Yeah.... no thank you.

I stayed in the bathroom longer to be safe, but even when I knew it was safe enough to leave, I couldn't.

I couldn't even leave then because I had suddenly gotten sucked into obsessing over my body.... again. As if once today wasn't fuckin' enough. I got so preoccupied with how shitty my hair is looking from falling out, and I even noticed my lips getting really dry and cracked... That's probably from the purging... Not too much of a surprise.

I couldn't snap myself out of the compulsions to keep on looking at myself. That mirror grabbed me and pulled me towards it, like it always does and I felt glued right there to the floor, and I couldn't move. So that wasted another fifteen minutes.

I somehow got myself to snap out of that, and made my way back to the kitchen.

That's why I'm still here, obsessing over my goddamn breakfast for tomorrow. I'm honestly so fuckin' exhausted and feel like I'm about to collapse, but it doesn't matter because I still need to make a decision!