Relief • (Sixx:A.M)

Wolf At Your Door

1 week later

JAMES' P.O.V:

You know what's really... weird?

I've noticed that for the past week, I haven't been able to put my whole focus into anything anymore, because I've been flooded with thoughts of food. It's like my brain is trying to remind me to eat or something.

I find it extremely ironic that this is happening, especially since food has become an irrational fear of mine. Who would have thought I would somehow develop a full blown obsession with it?

It's something that I try to avoid. Meanwhile, my brain capacity is always full to the brim with images and visuals of it.

I am not even exaggerating when I say that it's been extremely difficult this past week to focus or concentrate on performing and interviews because my mind is being consumed with images of food... It's like a 24/7 daydream.

Did you know that?

Did you know that a lot of times, I catch myself daydreaming about food? I think about all of the foods that I never allow myself to eat. I think about desserts, like brownies, cookies, candy, and cake. I think about doughy carbs, like bagels, croissants, crackers, and rolls...

The images don't leave my head because I feel such a desperate longing. I wish I could enjoy those kinds of foods like a normal person, but I just.... can't.

I'll be in the middle of performing, and I have to try so hard to not space out because the thoughts will start distracting me.

During interviews, my mind will fog up and try to disconnect me from the present moment by shoving images of food in my face.

This isn't the same kind of obsessing that I had before. This isn't me obsessing and planning what I will or will not eat. This isn't me vigorously trying to figure out what exercises I can fit in or how I'll get away with purging. It isn't even tormenting thoughts about my body.

No... This is just pure food obsession.

I feel like I am going absolutely insane.

The past few nights, I've caught myself researching a ton of dessert recipes on my phone, and I don't even know why! All I know is that I literally couldn't get myself to stop, and it felt like my brain got hi-jacked or possessed by someone. I swear to god, I couldn't sleep. I usually can't sleep, but this was different. This is not being able to sleep because I'm too fuckin' compelled to look at food. I stopped counting how many hours passed... I couldn't put the damn phone down and I honestly wanted to scream.

What makes this whole thing even worse is that it wasn't just for one night. This has been going on now for at least four or five nights. I shouldn't even say nights, since it travels into the day too.

I'm cringing as I even admit this, but on my day off the other day, I went to the closest food market, and just paced up and down the aisles. I didn't buy anything. I just went so I could be around the food.

I know that I probably looked weird. I felt embarrassed because I knew how fuckin' strange it was to go to a grocery store and not buy anything. I know that people were probably confused and thought I was a psycho, and I honestly felt like a psycho when I did that.

I don't know what it was, but I just felt a weird, almost comforting feeling, just being in the presence of all of this food that I've distanced myself from for so long. I just stared at it. I stared at every single goddamn food that I wanted to fuckin' eat so badly. I stared at all of them until I realized how long I had blanked out in that one aisle, and then went to the next one.