Relief • (Sixx:A.M)

Relief

One week later:

JAMES' P.O.V:

I thought I had a good grip on things, but now I have a feeling I spoke too soon.

Things are starting to really go to shit.

Our show is starting in 15 minutes and I can't get myself out of this bathroom. 

I'm starting to think I'm going crazy.  I feel like a magnet forced me in here and now I can't escape.  The mirror grabbed me and glued my feet on the ground in front of it. 

I don't recognize the reflection I see.  Nothing feels right.  It doesn't look right.  My heart is racing and my head is spinning with intrusive thoughts.  I don't feel safe in my body, because I'm starting to feel like I'm trapped in it.  I don't recognize it anymore and I don't know what's fuckin' real or not.  I'm staring at my face and it looks inflated.  My cheeks look puffy... like a chipmunk.  I swear to god I haven't done anything different.  I've been exercising the same amount.  I've been eating the same amount.  I've been drinking enough water, and I've been glugging that green tea that Nikki gave me, but it obviously hasn't done a damn thing because I'm STILL retaining water! So what the FUCK is it then?  Why do I look like I've fuckin' blown up like a balloon?  I'm not one to usually cry but I can feel a lump forming in my throat because the longer I look at myself, the worse it's getting and I can't get myself to move away. 

I'm trying to breathe.  I'm trying to take deep breaths.  I'm biting my lip because I don't want to cry.  It'll wreck my stage makeup.  I'm a mess and I have to perform an hour and fifty minute show in 15 minutes.  I have to go out there in front of thousands of people and just pretend everything is totally fine right now.

I'm anything but fine right now.

I'm the opposite of fine.

I would never admit to anyone that I'm not okay.  I don't like asking for help.  I like to pretend I can manage everything myself.  And I definitely don't open up to anyone about the thoughts that go on inside my head.  I scare myself by thinking them.  I don't want to know what other people would think of me if they heard them too.  This band means the world to me.  I can't jeopardize it. 

Breathe, James.

Breathe.

You know it's not real.

It's not fuckin' real.

Your face is FINE.

Goddammit it's NOT fine!  I don't know if this is a form of fuckin' psychosis or something with my body, but now I'm just about to rip my skin off.

I can't even find the words to fully express or describe what I'm feeling.  It's like.... My god.  I hope no one has to ever experience something like this.  It just feels like torture in my head.

It's not just my face.  I just feel so hyperaware of every aspect of my body all of a sudden.  I can feel my clothes touching it.... I feel where they're connecting to my skin.  They feel too tight.     Just being reminded that I have a body that I feel so goddamn horrible about is making me feel suffocated.  I wish I could just rip the clothes off and breathe, and then rip my skin off along with it.  But, that's just impossible, and it's not happening.  I probably wouldn't feel better even if I was able to.

Just...

Make it Fuckin' S T O P!

I don't know what time it is.  I don't know how much time I've wasted being in here.  Everything feels like a blur, but at the same time, my mind is racing so fuckin' fast.  I'm about to bang my head against the wall in here.