Relief • (Sixx:A.M)

Permission

JAMES' P.O.V:

"I... I can't do this anymore."

I can still feel my lips quivering as I speak. My heart is beating out of my chest, and I feel Nikki let go of my hand, as he reaches his arms out to me to wrap them around my shaking frame.

My body feels tense in his grip, but I allow myself to melt into the embrace, as Nikki slowly leads me into his room.

"C'mere...". His voice is soothing, and I let out a strained whimper, as he squeezes me tighter.

The second that I hear the door of Nikki's room shut, and I realize it's just the two of us in here, I squeeze my eyes shut and let the tears fall freely.

There's so much that I want to say, but I can't get myself to say them... I can't form sentences right now, because the fear and pain I'm feeling is so powerful... I just allow myself to let it out.

For once in my life, I'm releasing what I've kept inside.

For once, I'm not running away from this.

As I'm crying, I can feel Nikki rub circles into my back. I'm shaking from my cries, but I feel secure being in his grip, and I feel safe... I feel safe, so I'm not holding back.

"Take as much time as you need, James...". I can hear Nikki's voice in the midst of my cries, and it feels soothing. "I'll be here when you're ready."

I slowly lift my head up to let my tear drenched eyes meet Nikki's. It takes me a few moments to build up the strength to open my mouth... but when I do...

"It.... It happened."

I can feel my whole body going cold, there's a gnawing sensation in my stomach, as I say that. I want to run away from the truth, but I refuse to.

I don't care how uncomfortable this feels right now. I need to do this.

I need to.

"I did it...". My throat feels like it might close because of how painful it feels to admit this, but I keep going. "I did it again... even after being in the fuckin' hospital...."

I can hardly finish my sentence, because the tears start falling again, but this time they feel filled with frustration... anger... shame.

"I don't know what's wrong with me.....". My jaw is clenching, but I'm crying at the same time. I feel angry at myself, but I also feel helpless. I feel helpless because I don't know how things got to this point. I don't know how it happened, and I don't know how to stop.

"It's not you...". I can hear Nikki's clear headed voice cut through my emotional tornado. "It's your addiction....".

The second he says that word, I crumble down. I let my body fall onto the floor, near Nikki's bed. I can feel Nikki squeezing my shoulder, as he takes out his phone.

"I'm gonna get DJ, okay?"

That makes me cry even harder, but deep down, I need him here. I want him here. I need him to know that I want help... I need him to know that I want to change...

It only takes a few seconds for DJ to join the two of us. I'm still curled up on the floor, but I have my head lifted up enough for me to see his face. I can't even explain what I'm feeling right now.

He looks like he's been crying... His eyes are bloodshot, and he looks exhausted. His eyes are darting back and forth from me to Nikki. He looks like a fuckin' wreck.

"Whats going on?"

I can almost feel the pit in DJ's stomach just by hearing him speak. He seems so shaken up, like he's expecting something horrible to happen. It's just making my heart feel shattered even more, and all of the shame that I've been feeling just got heavier.