Relief • (Sixx:A.M)

Prologue

JAMES' P.O.V:

I glance at the time on the microwave in the kitchen.

12:45am

God, I've been just pacing around staring at all of the food in the cabinets for over a fuckin' hour.

The sad part is that this has become normal for me. I would be lying if I said that this hasn't happened every night for the past month.

I know... I know the science behind this. It's my body's way of reminding me to eat. My body is basically screaming at me to eat something because it thinks it's in a famine. I hate that I'm smart enough to know this but I still can't do it.

Why can't I just fuckin' do it?

Why is it so goddamn hard to eat something?

Normally.

It's all or nothing. If I eat something or even try to, it turns into something else. It goes the other way, and lately that's been happening even more. It happens at night, when no one is around.

Like now.

I feel like I can't control anything anymore. I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know how I turned into this monster. I don't understand why I do this and why I can't stop. I can already feel an episode coming on and I am trying literally anything in my power to stop it from happening. I know I should step away from the food in this kitchen. I need to leave this room... but I can't. It's like a magnet is pulling me in here and I can't escape.

All I can think about is food because I'm so goddamn hungry. I should know by now that just staring at food doesn't do shit unless I fuckin' eat it, but I already said if I eat it, I don't stop eating it.

I'm clenching my fists and squeezing my eyes shut because I just want my brain to shut up. I want all of the fuckin' noise to quiet down and I just want to feel at peace for once... I can't remember the last time I felt truly calm. I don't remember what feeling peaceful feels like any-more. I can't stay present during anything. Even on stage it's become so much harder to act like everything's okay. The audience has no clue what's going on, and I have to wear a full on mask every damn night to pretend I'm living my happiest life. I was. I was living my happiest life. I was passionate about my music and performing and producing... and now I feel like it's disappearing. I'm starting to wonder what the point of everything I've worked so hard for is any-more. The way I'm living is a torturous hell, but I can't let anyone know that or see that.

My head is spinning. I know we have a show tomorrow and I also know that I'm not gonna be able to sleep because of how hungry I am. I know I should at least just drink something, but even that will trigger something, and at this point I don't see any way out of what I feared would happen this whole time...

Screw this.

Without thinking, I open up the fridge and gulp down a huge bottle of water. Then I take out two more and leave them on the counter. I'll need them for later.

My eyes dart up and down the inside of the fridge. My body is begging me for food and at this point I don't even give a shit what food it is. I start taking out containers of whatever the hell I can even find and taking spoonfuls of each of them.

Greek yogurt

Pasta with vodka sauce

Grilled chicken

Cottage cheese

Guacamole

Once it starts, it doesn't stop. I feel disconnected from reality and out of touch with my body. It's just me and my impulses running the show and it's at this point now where I can't control anything.