Relief • (Sixx:A.M)

Live Forever

Two weeks later

JAMES' P.O.V:

I don't think my stomach has ever felt so wrecked in my life...

...and most fucked up part is that it is nobody's fault but mine.

I'm beginning to constantly ask myself where all of my impulse control went. When I've been manic, I've made decisions without thinking, just for that instant gratification. I guess part of me liked the thrill of doing something risky, and it escalated the 'high' that I was already feeling from the mania itself. But... that was 'then.'

I'm thinking about right now.

I've been taking those cleansing pills for over two weeks now, and even though they have caused some very... interesting side effects, I've still continued to take them.

I'm starting to really wonder what the hell is wrong with me, because I'm pretty sure that no 'normal' person would be doing the shit that I do. If anyone actually knew the very details of everything that I do —- the ridiculous rituals, the compulsions that sometimes feel controlling, and the obsessions that shoot through my head 24/7 —- they would probably be really freaked out.

I'll be honest and say that sometimes I freak myself out. I know if I was an outsider and saw someone doing the same shit as me, I would have loads of questions.

It's starting to hit me now why DJ seems so suspicious.

However, that doesn't mean that I have any intention of stopping.

It's weird. I notice so much of the time that there's two voices in my head arguing with each other. I have this one voice that's rational. That's the one that has common sense and knows the facts about everything I'm doing. I'll admit that I don't hear this side often, because there is the emotional, obsessive, and irrational one that overpowers it.

Most of the decisions I make are run by that side. That side is impulsive, but also extremely strategic and manipulative at the same time. That's the side that comes up with all of the excuses, lies, and ways to dance around things that I would like to be avoided. It is also the part that drives me to engage in the outrageous behaviors, despite my rational side reminding me of why I shouldn't.

It's exhausting. There is never a time when my head is quiet. There is almost always some kind of noise up there. The only times when I notice it seems a bit subdued is when I get that initial 'high' from exercising, slipping in an extra dose of one of the pills, or getting away with eating less than I was originally going to.

The only problem is that it doesn't last long. It shuts up for a few minutes, or until that initial 'rush' ends. Then, the wheels start turning again, and I'm compelled to repeat one of the actions that gave me that high in the first place, even if it sometimes makes me feel like absolute shit.

Luckily, I know that even if I do feel horrible, I'll end up feeling good again...

That's what continues the cycle.

See.. I'm not gonna go and pretend that these laxatives haven't caused me distress, because they definitely have, but I can't help but believe that the benefits I'm getting completely outweigh the negatives.

And, plus... as long as the yucky consequences don't happen when I'm performing, I'm fine handling them.

So far, I've been fine. I was expecting to have that embarrassing urge to shit multiple times in the middle of our shows, but I guess I've just gotten lucky. I've noticed that the stabbing stomach pain usually happens right before I have to run to the bathroom —- and my body has a schedule for that. I thought it was gonna be chaotic and unpredictable, but it's actually pretty regimented.