Relief • (Sixx:A.M)

Can't Stop

JAMES' P.O.V:

The second I walk out of the kitchen area, and into my room, I feel like a weight is lifted right off of my shoulders.

Thank god that's over.

I had no clue in the world that DJ was gonna bring us food.  I wasn't prepared for that at all, and I had to think quick in the moment because I knew there was no fuckin' way I would be able to get out of it completely. 

Even though I'm relieved, my head is spinning just thinking about what would have happened if I actually had to eat what DJ put in front of me.

First of all, it's giving me anxiety just thinking about how much sodium was in the sauce in the chicken to begin with.  Chinese food is notorious for being loaded with salt, and that's something that I really try to avoid at all costs.  It causes water retention and that freaks me the fuck out because I feel weighed down and heavy, even though I know it's not real weight and it's just water.... It still makes me feel some sort of way.  It would make me swell up and look puffy, it causes high blood pressure, and your electrolytes go out of wack.  Eating too much salt causes dehydration, which in turn slows your metabolism, so then you would end up actually gaining real weight.

Then... the meal in general.  How many calories would I have eaten just for that one meal?  God... a number I haven't seen in a long, long, long, time. 

I honestly would have been okay with the broccoli, because it's a cruciferous vegetable.  Foods like that have a lot of fiber which make it harder for your body to break down, which in turn leads you to burn more calories just by digesting it.  The only problem is that it had the sauce on it, which made it a big no-no.

The same happened with the chicken.  Protein is probably the safest kind of food for me to eat.  When I say "safe", I'm talking about something that I'm decently comfortable eating.  Protein is one of those magical foods, I think.  It doesn't increase your blood sugar, it takes the most energy for your body to break down, and it keeps you full.  Not to mention, if you don't eat enough protein, you can't maintain your muscle mass.  Basically, there's really nothing negative I have to say about it, which is rare when I'm talking about food.

But yet again... the sauce had to ruin it.  It became contaminated.

The rice would have been a straight out no from the start, sauce or not.  I hardly eat carbs to begin with, and when I do they have to be complex.  This was refined, white rice.  There was no way in hell that I would have put any of that in my stomach.

No freaking way.

It would spike my blood sugar levels, and then I would start gaining weight, because you can't lose weight if your insulin levels are high.  Not to mention, it has absolutely no nutritional value and I would have just eaten 'empty' calories. 

I know my brain is running in circles.  I'm spiraling into a dark tornado of numerical values that shouldn't mean a damn thing to me, but they do.

I feel like all I do is fuckin' count.  I count the calories of what I eat.  I count the calories of things I don't even eat.  I go to the grocery store and can easily calculate the calories of stuff on the shelves without looking at the nutrition label.  I've become a living calculator.  I just look at food and I see a number instead of the food. 

Numbers.

That's what's going through my head right now. 

Numbers. 

Calories. 

Calculations.

Not only about the food, but about exercise...