Relief • (Sixx:A.M)

Maybe It's Time

JAMES' P.O.V:

Being in this hospital feels like hell.

Every damn day I'm told that I'll be staying here another day... and then the next day comes, and the discharge date is pushed back again... and again... and again...

Honestly, I've been here for five days and I don't even know how I've survived this long.

It's because of my fuckin' potassium.

For some reason, I'm woken up every morning by a nurse telling me that my levels dropped overnight, so they have to increase the number of IV bags. Then, of course, that also means that I have to continue to take the oral potassium... And this oral potassium isn't just a nice flavorless potassium pill...

Ohhh no. It's oral potassium in liquid form, and it has to be one of the most disgusting things I've ever tasted in my life. It's a bright orange color, and the nurse always tells me that it's better to mix it with water so it doesn't irritate my stomach as much, and the taste will be less strong, but even then... it's still horrid... and I'm gonna admit, I usually freak out when I'm told to dilute it with water because liquids still freak me the hell out... I would almost always rather just have the horrid, condensed, two ounce container of that shit than have to drink a twelve ounce glass of water with the stuff mixed in it... even if the flavor is less intense... even if my stomach won't hurt as much from it...

Then, that's a whole other story.

Every time I have to take the oral potassium, I end up having debilitating anxiety because I try to eat something so my stomach won't be upset... Every goddamn time, I'm shaking, and I can't breathe, and then when I finally get myself to swallow the food, I feel like I'm gonna choke because of my panic.

It's all the same shit, every day. And it's horrible. I don't know how I haven't mentally cracked yet... I feel like it's coming though... it's fuckin' coming.

The worst part of being here is the torment I feel in my body... I haven't felt this unsafe in my body before... and that's saying something because it's normal for me to not feel safe in it, but because I have no control over what's happening to it by being here, that feeling is escalated by a terrifying amount.

I feel confined to this bed, because apparently I'm not stable enough to be able to walk around... That's what the nurses keep telling me. They check my vital signs every 2 hours, and from a rational standpoint... I can understand why I shouldn't be moving.

My blood pressure is so low... It was 80/something this morning, and that's like... dangerous. My heart rate hasn't improved... In fact, the dumb monitor still goes off every freakin' half hour. It's the same reason... When I lay down, it drops to the thirties. Even when it's in the low forties the thing will go off... But honestly, by now I've kinda become accustomed to the noise so it almost doesn't faze me anymore.

The noise of this hospital... All the beeping, and the screaming, and the crying, and the needles, and the fluids, and the medications... It's all the same shit every day, and now I'm just used to it.

How fuckin' pathetic is that?

Who the hell wants to be used to this shit?

Just because I'm used to it, that doesn't mean that I'm okay with it. It doesn't make any of this any easier.

It's fuckin' hard and I feel so uncomfortable and scared here... I'm really grateful that DJ and Nikki visit every day... I always want to tell them that they don't need to, because they can be spending their time doing way more important things, than watching me sulk in my misery, but I also really appreciate them.