Relief • (Sixx:A.M)

Miracle

JAMES' P.O.V:

Well... that was fuckin' awkward.

All I did was go for a run, and yes I know it was raining out, but I really wasn't expecting such an intense reaction from DJ about that, of all things.  I really had to try to play it cool because I felt myself ready to snap, and I would have felt really bad if I did that.  It wasn't easy, trust me.  That's why I'm so relieved that I was able to escape the situation.

But... really?  He told me that I'm losing weight.  I was... to be completely honest, surprised.  Maybe confused is the better word. 

Me?  Losing weight?

I don't think so.

That was never even my intention in the first place, so I really don't know where he got that crazy idea from.  I'm staring at myself in the mirror because I need to shower, and I just can't stop thinking about the fact that DJ thinks I'm losing weight.  I don't see it.  I'm staring right at my body, and there's no freakin' way that's true.  First of all, all of my clothes fit me the same.  Second, if I'm exercising and trying to build muscle, I would be gaining weight.  And third... The weather was so humid and sticky that I think I look swelled up and puffy.  My clothes were sticking to me the whole time I was running and it made me feel a little uncomfortable, to be honest.  I felt heavy and weighed down, so it made me want to run even more.  I'm probably retaining water from that and I don't think I was able to sweat all of it out. 

The more I'm looking at myself, the more I see it.  My eyes look the way you do when you first wake up in the morning.  My face looks swelled.  My fingers feel like sausages right now, so thank god I'm not wearing rings.  They would have left such bad indents.  My pants are still sticking to my thighs, and I want to rip them off.  I almost want to rip my entire body off right now... I just... I'm not feeling secure.  I can't explain why.  I just don't.  I almost feel like I'm about to jump out of my skin. 

This is a weird feeling... I've never really felt like this regarding my body before.  Maybe it's because I'm overthinking this whole 'losing weight' thing, since I never even thought about that before.  I don't know, but now I can't stop thinking about that.  He must be seeing things, or imagining something.  The dude does have an interesting imagination so I don't think that idea is too far fetched.

You know what I'm noticing?  Now I can't really get myself to get away from my own reflection.  I'm really trying to figure out how the hell DJ sees weight loss on me.  How deep do I need to look?  Do I need a magnifying glass?  I'm sorry, but I literally don't fuckin' see it. 

Am I the crazy one here?  I don't even know any-more.  I can't be.  How can I be?  I know my own body.  I live in this body.  Wouldn't I be the one to know if any changes are happening?  I know the sensations.  I know what it feels like to live in it.  I think I would be the expert at this.

My mind is racing now, but you know what?  I don't really care!  I need to set this whole thing straight.  I need to figure this out.  That's why I'm still stuck here staring at myself.

I could swear that my whole body actually looks bigger... I don't know.  My mind might be playing games with me, but I know for a fuckin' fact that I am NOT losing weight. 

I almost want to laugh because it's so obvious that it's complete bullshit.

You know what?  Even if he was right about it, what would be the problem if I did lose weight? 

And now that I'm thinking about it... With how much exercise I do, shouldn't I be losing weight?  I mean, that's not what I wanted but I shouldn't be getting... bigger?