Relief • (Sixx:A.M)

Suffocate

DJ's P.O.V:

My eyes are locked on the hospital bed in front of me. My body still hasn't moved, and I feel paralyzed. I can feel tears welling in my eyes, as my heart beats rapidly in my chest.

I'm starting to feel sick to my stomach again, because...

That person is not James.

That's not the James I know. It's not the James I remember... It's like the real James got replaced with a hollow shell of his real self. My heart hurts so much right now, because James is nowhere to be seen.

His soul has been sucked away and got replaced with a fuckin' corpse. Satan took him away and now I'm just staring at a lifeless version of him... Someone who looks half-alive.... Someone who shouldn't even be alive.

The bright hospital lights make every little detail exaggerated, and I don't think I realized how bad things were until this moment... Actually, scratch that. I've known how bad things were, but being here in the hospital and witnessing James in this state is forcing me to experience the pain on a whole new level.

There's no running away from the reality. I can't. I can't run away from this.

I've never seen James so... frail. He would wear layers of clothes all the time so I never noticed the deterioration in such terrifying detail, but now, with him in just a paper thin hospital gown, it's smacking me in the face.

His collarbones are jutting out and you can see his chest bones through his tattoos. His face is so hollow, and his dark circles are so prominent in these lights. There is absolutely no color to his face at all. It almost looks translucent... I'm shocked I can't see right through him.

It's not just his physical appearance that's stabbing me in the heart, but also all of the tubes and wires he's connected to. There's an IV in his left arm, which is connected to bags of fluids and potassium, which I heard is supposed to burn really bad when it goes through your veins. The other arm has a blood pressure cuff, and a pulse monitor on one of his fingers. He's also connected to a full on heart monitor, so his chest is covered in those sticky electrodes... As a kid those always freaked me out. All of this freaked me out. It still freaks me out.

I've never wanted to cry so much in my fuckin' life.

I still can't get myself to move. I can't take my eyes off of James' lifeless body, and Nikki has to lure me further into the room. He keeps his hand on my back and shoulder. It's comforting. I can feel the tears welling in my eyes and it's making everything blurry.

"DJ.... Here... Let's sit down, okay?"

I can feel my body being lowered onto a chair, and as soon as my skin makes contact with the seat, I burst into tears.

I could feel Nikki's arms wrapping around me, and his hand rubbing up and down the length of my spine. I feel so helpless and I hate to admit this because it makes me feel like such a baby, but I needed to be held like this. It makes me feel safe.

"DJ... It's okay... Let it out..."

There's so much I want to say, but all that's coming out of my mouth are pathetic hysterical whimpers.

Finally, it all comes out.

"I should have said something sooner!"

Nikki gives me a confused but sympathetic look. He squeezes my shoulder.

I continue, in tears. It's hard work trying to speak clearly when you're hysterical.

"I knew something wasn't right from the start... and I never confronted him about it because I thought I was overthinking it... I should have said something! THIS WOULDN'T BE HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!"