Relief • (Sixx:A.M)

Give Me A Love (That Won't Go And Kill Me)

Nikki's P.O.V:

Now that we've officially finished our first leg of the tour, and we have a three week break to recuperate, I have some time to reflect...

I think the talk we had with James went well. I'll be the first to admit that I think it could have gone a lot worse.

I was surprised that James didn't automatically have his defenses shoot up. Yes, at first he was when I brought up his sleeping habits, but I was almost expecting that since we have had that conversation with him multiple times. He didn't fail to remind me of that, but I felt like it was a good way to ease into the confrontation. I didn't want to just go right to the blunt stuff, because I knew that it would probably send off James' defenses up in flames, so I tried to ease the tension a little bit.

James was stiff as a board. I'm pretty sure he already knew that something was up, because he didn't seem too sure about sitting with us. His gut instincts probably told him that this wasn't a situation that he was going to want to be in, and I can't imagine what the unhealthy part of his brain was screaming at him. I know whenever I had a feeling someone was trying to take my addiction from me, I felt threatened, and my fight mode came on strong. My brain would yell at me, and it would scream —- It would tell me to run the fuck away, because there was no way that I could survive if someone took my safety net away from me. I have a feeling the same was going on with James.

I will say, I give the guy a lot of credit for sitting through the whole thing, and not running away, because I can almost guarantee that that's what he was tempted to do. He did try to get up once or twice, but I kind of made it very clear that what we had to say was serious. Basically... His ass was gonna stay right on that cushion on the couch. He wasn't gonna go any-where until we had this discussion.

So, yes he did get a bit resistant, but it quickly faded away. This is the part that I'm the most shocked about.

After me and DJ spoke about the things we've noticed, and how it made us both feel, James actually admitted his behaviors. I was surprised, just because I would have usually expected a lot of resistance and anger from someone who is struggling with an addictive behavior. I was very proud of him for being able to do that.

He admitted he's been taking the laxatives, and that he's not taking care of himself. See, I knew this already but it's never been this bad, so the fact that he acknowledged it himself is a good thing. He said he tends to neglect himself when so many other important things are on his mind, and I thought that it would help if I empathized, since I used to be like that myself. I've gotten a lot better. I thought that maybe if I shared that with him, he would feel a little less alone in his suffering.

He seemed to be willing to try to change his behaviors, but I'm just gonna be blunt. That's amazing that he said that, but you never know. I do have faith in James, and I know he's strong and capable of changing, but I just know what the mind of an addict is like. I know even if you want to change, your brain will play games with you and try to manipulate you into old habits.

I do believe he wants to change, but I'm still gonna keep a close eye on him. I ended the talk a bit early because of the fact that he easily acknowledged his behaviors, so I felt that at this time there wasn't much more to say, especially since it was so late and we needed to rest up for our show the next day. However, if I notice more things that I'm not liking the feeling of, there will be another talk. I can promise you that.

We all know we can't change other people, but we can support them, and that's what I'm always trying my best to do.

~ ~ ~

Day one of hell:

JAMES' P.O.V:

2:00pm