Relief • (Sixx:A.M)

Heart Failure

JAMES' P.O.V:

11:00pm

'I don't know what's haunting me, or where I'll be tomorrow... Who is running these machines with manufactured sorrow?'

I'm in my hotel room, curled up in the far corner. I don't even know how long I've been sitting here, but I can't get myself to move. I won't even get up to turn on the lights. It's almost like I'm feeling a weird sort of comfort in the darkness.

All I want to do is hide away, and isolate right now. I don't want to be seen, and I don't want to expose myself. I feel fuckin' vulnerable, and I don't like feeling vulnerable. It's a raw, scary feeling.

'Yeah, the devil's coming...'

Every time someone reminds me that people are concerned for me, I feel like an absolute shit hole. I feel so ashamed, and right now it's just all bubbling up inside of me.

'Yeah... The devil's coming....'

I feel like a horrible fuckin' person. People are worried about me, but I just continue doing everything that's wrong. I'm continuing my behaviors, and I'm continuing to lie to everyone, even though at this point I feel like they are seeing through my cracks... Especially Nikki.

'Heaven knows he's coming after me...'

I can even acknowledge that there's probably no fuckin' way he believed anything I said to him earlier. He probably didn't want to make a scene and have a full on confrontation right there in our dressing room, but I already have a bad feeling that he knows. Actually, fuckin' scratch that! I know that he knows! He said to my face, 'You don't have to lie to me...You can't bullshit a bullshitter.'

I would be a complete idiot to think that he wouldn't fuckin' find out. I would have to be absolutely delusional to just assume that I could get away with this shit.

'If you haven't noticed yet, I'm an empty vessel... These are things that I regret... These are things I wrestle...'

I know he's worried. I know DJ is worried too. Just the fact that I know I'm hurting both of them alone is making me feel guilt ridden, but then.... being reminded of how much our fans are worrying too... God, it's just making everything so much worse.

'I'm in chains; I can't explain; I question everything...'

Part of me is asking why the hell they care about me so much? Why do they give a shit about me when all I'm doing is hurting them repeatedly? Why are they wasting their energy on trying to help me? I'm a freakin' manipulative, disgusting, person. Why would they want to even be near me?

Asking for help makes me feel like a weak person. There's this part of me that will push away any help or support from others because I'm not sure if I think I deserve it. Then, of course, there's this other part of me that would do anything for someone to get me out of the hell I feel like I've become trapped in. It's a painful, excruciating back and forth, just like with everything else.

All I wanted to do when Nikki confronted me was scream:

'HELP ME!'

'PLEASE... I'M FUCKING BEGGING YOU!'

'I CAN'T DO THIS ANY-MORE!'

But... I didn't.

I couldn't.

All of these emotions were festering inside of me and they felt like they were going to pour out right in front of Nikki. I was feeling vulnerable. I wanted to run away, but somehow I stayed. I forced myself to, because I knew that Nikki would end up trying to coax me back, and also... I kind of needed the comfort he was providing.