Relief • (Sixx:A.M)

Everything Went To Hell

1 week later

JAMES' P.O.V:

Do you know what scares me?

Unpredictability.

My Bipolar Disorder has made a lot of aspects of my life unpredictable and chaotic, because of the drastic mood switches. They were never predictable. They happened when I least expected it, and I just had to go with it.

That's why I had clung onto my behaviors... Exercising, restricting, laxatives, purging... I thought that they would stabilize things. I felt things getting more controlled and rigid, but not any-more.

I'm feeling like a swinging pendulum these days. My mood shifts are getting erratic, and it scares me. The thing about bipolar that a lot of people don't know is that mania sometimes comes out as irritability or rage. Mania isn't always a euphoric feeling.

Depressive episodes sometimes have moments of anger and frustration too. Right now, that's what I see happening.

I'm definitely having a depressive episode, and I know it, but even despite the lack of energy and motivation, I have these surges of anger come to the surface. They're unpredictable. I never know when they'll come or how long they'll last, but when it happens, it always scares the crap out of me.

I could be feeling numb and hopeless, with absolutely every last drop of energy drained from my body, and then.... suddenly....

I can find myself bubbling up with intense rage, where I have to fight the urges to punch a wall, or throw something. There are times that I can't control it, and I do end up doing those things.

The only constant I've been finding that I have these days, besides our performances, is the heavy feeling of shame that festers inside of me.

I feel contaminated.

I hate feeling like I contaminate a place whenever I walk into a room. That's what I feel like these days, and that's why I never want to expose myself to the public, unless I have to perform... But on my days off, I just lock myself in whatever hotel room I'm staying in.

I will hide myself from everyone because of how horribly I feel inside.

All of the filth of my actions suffocates me, and the shame that it brings festers inside of me. I feel contaminated by all of the dirty things I've done... I feel contaminated by all of my wrongdoings...

The lying.

The manipulating.

The sneakiness.

The secrecy.

I feel choked by it all, and sometimes I feel like all of the filth that's locked up inside of me will travel onto other people, and contaminate them too.

Depression is a real mind fuck, but when you pair it with the rest of this shit going on, you got yourself a recipe for disaster.

~ ~ ~

Four days later

DJ's P.O.V:

10:30am

I woke up this morning and remembered that today is James's birthday, and there's no way that I could go through the day without getting him something.

That's why I'm here... at a bakery. Usually, birthdays are happy celebrations. They're full of joy and exuberance, but today it doesn't really feel like that. Instead, it feels a little... somber.

There's a part of me that's wondering why I'm even here right now... Why am I bothering to buy him a cake when I know he's probably not gonna eat it... Or he'll eat some of it and hide the rest... Or he'll exercise it off... or do something else....