Relief • (Sixx:A.M)

Let It Haunt You

JAMES' P.O.V:

I don't think I knew what Hell actually felt like until last night...

Do you know what Hell is?

Hell is being forced to sit with your thoughts and not being able to do anything to stop them.

You can't silence your racing mind, and the longer you sit still and let all of your uncomfortable emotions fester inside of you, the louder those intrusive voices in your head get. They just get louder and louder, while overpowering everything else that is going on around you. You become completely disconnected from the present moment because all you can focus on is the horrid tape that is repeating itself in your head. You can't even speak if you wanted to, because you're sucked into a whole different universe —- an insane one, at that —- one full of fear, uncertainty, and delusions. You forget what's real and what's not. You cannot separate yourself from your thoughts —- you are one.

One with the distortions.

One with the catastrophic bullshit.

One with the torment in your head.

Hell is when you can't engage in the behaviors that keep you sane... the ones that silence the mind and provide you with the relief that you so desperately crave.

It's when there's so many toxic emotions stuck inside of your body that you can't empty out, and it weighs you down like a pile of bricks, but at the same time fills you up with nervous energy that leaves you restless and wanting to crawl out of your skin.

Hell is feeling completely powerless over your mind.

You feel trapped in your head, and there is no way for you to escape your thoughts. They consume you and your whole being. You start to feel possessed, like you're going completely insane. You start to beg internally for someone to make it stop. You beg, and beg, and beg, but you receive nothing but torture in return. All they do is scream louder, and you start feeling boxed in, like they're suffocating you. You can't fuckin' breathe, and all you want to do is cry out loud for someone, any-one, to save you from the Hell that you're trapped in...

...but, you can't.

That's exactly how I felt last night when DJ and Nikki wouldn't let me move from the couch.

I can tell you right now, I don't think I've ever felt so trapped in my life. I can't remember the last time I sat down for that long, and the longer I had to, the more I felt like I was about to jump out of my skin. My anxiety had risen like it's never risen before, and that was just because I forced myself to choke down that protein bar. That in itself was excruciating, but then having to sit with that, and not being able to do anything to compensate for what I had just done... That was absolutely terrifying.

I couldn't jump up, and run to the back of the tour bus to start exercising.

I couldn't escape to my bunk to dig out extra laxatives from my suitcase, and take them.

I couldn't just erase the fact that I had just shoved down a protein bar when I hadn't planned to.

I couldn't fuckin' do anything!

So... I just sat there.

I sat with those horrible, obsessive thoughts that raced around in my head. I sat with all of that debilitating fear that was eating at me from the inside out. I sat with the intense discomfort of wanting to rip my own skin off because of what I thought was happening to my body.

I was hitting my breaking point, but I still just sat there.

It was the very moment when DJ and Nikki left me alone, that I snuck into the bathroom.