Perilous Kismet

xxxix

Habang papalapit ako ng papalapit sa kinaroroonan ng sadya ko, mas tumitindi ang kaba at takot sa puso ko. Kaba... dahil sa unang pagkakataon ay masisilayan ko ang anak ko, sariling dugo at laman ko. Takot... dahil sa hindi ko malamang dahil.

Natatakot ako saan? Na wala akong maramdamang koneksyon sa bata?

Huminga ako ng malalim bago buksan ang pinto. Nagulat ako ng imbes na mag-ina ko lang ang makita ko ay may iba pang tao.

Nagngitngit ang kalooban ko ng malaman ko na nasa isang 2-bed semi-private room lang ang anak ko... hich explains why there are other people inside.

Tanging tela lamang ang naghihiwalay sa kama ng dalawang pasyente at hindi pa iyon nakasara.

Pumasok ako... pakiramdam ko ay napakalayo ng pinto mula sa kama ni Carl dahil parang hirap na hirap akong humakbang.

Roxette was just looking at me while I was looking at the kid lying on the bed. He's pale... and he looks weak. Gising sya pero hindi pa nya ako nakikita dahil busy sya sa panonood ng cartoons sa cellphone.

I looked at Roxette and she smiled at me. Then she turned to her son... "Carl... someone's here to see you." Malumanay nyang sabi habang hawak hawak ang maliit na kamay ng bata. Carl's head turned to her and then to me.

"Sino po sya, Mama?" Carl politely asked his mother while keeping his eyes on me. Unlike kanina sa batang si AJ na marahil kasing edad lang nito, matatas magsalita si Carl maging ng tagalog.

I saw longing on his eyes... umupo ako sa bakanteng upuan sa gilid ng kama nya. Carl showed sign na gusto nitong umupo and Roxette gladly helped him.

"Baby, he is Lorenzo Sebastian..." I don't know why Roxette have to say my whole name instead of telling him I'm his father. But then, as I saw how Carl's eyes widened... parang alam ko na.

Maybe Carl knew me by my name... his eyes started to water. He turned to his mom na parang humihingi ng permiso and when Roxette nodded. He jumped to me.

Napapikit ako sa sarap ng yakap ng isang musmos na bata... pero bakit parang iba? Parang may kulang?

"Daddy..." he whispered habang nakayakap sa akin at kalong kalong ko sya. Nakayakap din ako sa maliit at mahina nyang katawan pero may hinahanap akong pakiramdam...

Bakit hindi ko iyon maramdaman kay Carl...

"I'm here, son. Daddy will always be here, Carl." I said while rubbing his back pero ang isip ko, wala dito.

"Carl Laurence..." I heard Roxette. She glanced at me. Her eyes were still sad... "I named him after you, Lorenzo. He is Carl Laurence."

I didn't say anything... and just continue hugging Carl.

I should be touched, right? That she named my son after me?

I should be happy he's in my arms now, right?

Pero bakit wala akong maramdaman kung hindi awa...

Roxette said that they were still waiting for the results of Carl's tests... hindi pa nila alam ang sakit ng bata. But they were advised to stay in the hospital.

Ngayon ay naglalaro na si Carl. He sure is a joyful kid... pero dahil nga mabilis syang mapagod at mahina pa ang baga, nagkakasya na lang syang maglaro sa cellphone.

And I was just here... sitting... watching him quietly.

"Carl, baby... stop na yan. You rest na. Masama ang madaming radiation, baby." Masuyong kinuha ni Roxette ang cellphone mula kay Carl and tucked him in his bed.