Perilous Kismet

xx

Katatapos ko lang ayusin ang mga gamit ni Basti sa walk-in closet. Halos tatlong linggo na kaming nakalipat sa bahay niya na gusto kong bilhin pero ayaw nya. Napag-usapan na din namin ang set-up lalo na sa negosyo, in a week ay magkakaroon ng party gathering para i-annouce formally ang merge ng companies. That's why Basti has been the busiest these days while tumupad sya sa usapan na hahayaan nya akong maging isang 'plain housewife', tho I know later on, kahit hindi ako focus sa negosyo ay mayroon pa rin akong gagampanan like the charity works.

Hindi kami magkasama ni Basti sa isang kwarto... kung nagtataka kayo kung bakit dito din sa walk-in closet ang gamit nya, it's because it was between the master's bedroom --which Basti generously gave to me-- and the room he was occupying. Pinalagyan nya ng secret door mula sa kwarto nya papasok sa closet... it was perfect. Hindi namin kailangang mataranta kung bigla mang manubok ang kung sino lalo na ang aming mga ama na parang bago pa bumabata dahil biglang naging close ang dalawa at laging magkasama kung saan saan.

Since Basti is busy adjusting himself in managing the now biggest empire in the country, he barely went home before midnight. Parating madaling-araw na ito kung umuwi. Hindi ako nakakatulog ng wala sya pero syempre hindi nya yun alam. Kakalma lang ako kapag naramdaman ko na sya sa paligid. He always made sure na dumadaan sya sa kwarto ko para tignan ako. Madalas pa itong nauupo sa kama at alam kong pinagmamasdan lang niya ako and I don't have any problem with that because his presence secures me.

Napabuntong-hininga ako. Ilang gabi na din akong walang tulog at gusto kong magpasalamat na hindi na ngayon dahil mamaya ay uuwi na si Basti... he was out of the country for a business convention. I wasn't being dependent on him pero gusto ko ang peace of mind kapag nandyan sya. I don't know what happened but that night that we were at my father's mansion and we slept on the same room... same bed... that's when it started.

Nagising na lang ako na umaga na habang nakayakap sya sa akin... hindi naman kami magkayakap ng matulog pero pag gising ko ay ganoon na ang ayos namin. And I'm not gonna lie, natatakot ako.

Natatakot akong masanay na kasama sya pero ngayon ay hinahanap ko na ang presensya nya because that night also was the very first time I slept peacefully in five long years... without the nightmares... without finding myself curved like a ball in the pit of darkness in my head... without the monsters... without everything about that unfateful night... but instead, my head was filled with dreams... of him and me... in a happy family.

That morning, I allowed myself to feel vulnerable and let Basti's strong arms envelopes all my fear. None of us break free from the hug we're sharing kahit na katulad ko pala ay gising na din sya.

I know, I also saw fear in his eyes... uncertainties... and one which I know hurts me was regret. He was so transparent that he couldn't even hide his feelings at hindi ko alam kung bakit nasaktan ako ng makita kong nagsisisi sya... nanghihinayang... para saan? Dahil ba mas pinili nya ang negosyo at nagpakasal kami? Well, it was my decision too but I don't feel any regret... and with that thought, narealize ko na maybe I was drowning in this fake relationship. Napakabilis ko namang mahulog kung ganoon nga. Ilang araw pa lang kaming magkasama... Aalis na sana ako sa pagkakayakap niya pero pinigilan niya ako at mas lalong humigpit ang yakap niya.

"Stay, Izzy... I like it this way." He said directly while still having those looks in his eyes. I smiled faintly.

"Really?" marahan kong hinaplos ang mukha niya. "Eh bakit mukhang nagsisisi ka na pinakasalan mo ako?" Hindi ko maitago ang lungkot sa tono ko. Gusto ko lang naman syang biruin pero lumabas ang totoo sa bibig ko... napabuntong hininga ako. "Maiintindihan ba ng girlfriend mo ang set-up natin?" Nakakaloka ka Belle... anong pumasok sa isip mo at hindi mo mapreno ang bibig mo? It's very unlike you. Kastigo ko sa sarili ko.