He Isn't the Nerd for Me! / Jinkook ✔

Three years without him

My whole life seemed to be out of a thin hint of hope. I got the feeling of ending it every now and then. It took me a long time to be a human again.

When I tried to open up a little to someone in here, they'd all tell me, "Gay dude, you've had a blast straight night!" Nobody would call it rape; they said it was a drunk one-night stand.

I needed to stay quiet for I'm a boy and above all a muscular one. That shit never made sense to me. I really wanted to speak up to the whole world. However, I was still trapped because that night I was an underage teenager drinking alcohol like orange juice.

If I wanted to call the cops on that girl, I first needed to pass through their cross-questioning about my own situation at that night. As a result, that means I'd get caught too for breaking an important rule in my country.

I refuse to drink alcohol even now that I'm legal to do so, more than legal talking about the matter! I'm twenty-one years old now, spending three years of my life in Seoul without getting out of the city once when I had the chance countless times. I didn't want to be in Busan, and it's all because of that one particular person.

I changed my phone number and also the whole device, only saving my parents' numbers into the new one. I didn't pick any calls from unknown contacts. I didn't even take a glance at their numbers or messages. I just deleted them fast for I was scared.

At some points, I could get over that night with Soo-Yun. Every time I see her, I just see an empty face desperate for attention. She never dared to set her dirty foot into my personal space thanks to me threatening her the morning after the unwanted sex. I'm just grateful now she was honest about the pills, otherwise I would end up having a child from rape.

I didn't say anything to my parents, and they're both confused as to why I couldn't pay them a single visit. As I said before, Busan seems scary to me for he lives there; because I had my euphoric time in life with him in there. It was just walking quietly around the school among the crowd. It was sweet talks and some little pecks mostly on the cheek away from anyone to observe. It was our world, and it was my everything.

I never found out who sent me that picture, but it doesn't matter for I checked it thousand times to see whether it was fake or not. It's absolutely not a work of photoshop and the kiss happened.

I even took it to some editors and people who do these stuffs. They all confirmed the reality of it which broke the left little pieces in me.

You see, I could forget all about a night a girl invaded my personal space and used me in a drunken state, but I can never get over Jin, not at any cause. Some of my friends gave me pieces of advice of how I should do sex with other men and get laid to forget him.

And I did, a couple of times. They were never serious relationships, and all of them just ended up to be one-night stands for two gay people.

The shitty part is that I would only see Jin's face during the whole thing. I even moaned his name aloud one time which led me to embarrass myself as hell. I'm at a point where I don't even know that I hate Jin or want him back.

Now that I'm finally going to graduate, I feel shallow. If it was in the life I wanted myself to be in, obviously with Jin, I would gloat inside because hey, I'd be in Busan, back to my family and friends, most importantly my boyfriend who promised to stay for me.

However, he has found his new handsome guy, not budging a bit while I'm dying here without him. I just hate to admit it, but I miss him more than anyone. And yeah, I want him in my life so badly!

Quite the contrary with how I was feeling inside, I managed to show a good face and mood in the university. I did good in my lectures, being top at the most important one which is my taekwando practice.

The coach here biased me immediately when he found out about my abilities. Given the fact, he wasn't still Mr. Park to me. Yet, I must confess he gave more to me and my future.

I was invited to many competitions and attended some, ending up with some medals and great praises here and there. I didn't keep them up more because they were far, far away from the life style I prefer. I don't want to become a famous face; I'd rather to live peacefully which means to never think of being a known person!

Everyone in the university, from my coach to professors and even my classmates are persuading me to train taekwando students in my city to expand the sport in an effective way as they believe skillful people like me should instruct.

However, I'm more on the gym side. I really like working out, and gym is the only place which helped me free of any distracting thoughts at least for an hour or more in a day.

Thankfully, my parents are ok with both options and they said they'll support me in whatever I choose. That boosted me a lot. They've been calling and texting me nonstop for they're about to arrive at any time now. My graduation party is going to be held tomorrow, and the two are going to come together even now they are apart.

My dorm has never been messy like this evening. I packed most of my stuffs, and there are just some odds and ends scattered all over the surface, waiting for me to decide their fate. I know about all of them except one.

The beaded bracelet Jin gave me is still with me. I didn't wear it after that night, but I couldn't bring myself to let it go, and it seems like I can't do it now, either.

I spin it around with my index finger and then stop to look at the purple beads. He used other colors in it, but the dominant one is purple because I talked to him one day about how I find the color beautiful and meaningful in almost every aspect of my life.

I bring the bracelet to my nose and sniff it hard, desperately looking for a whiff of his scent, but there's none. It all faded away. This has become my habit now. This bracelet and the memories are all left for me from him.

Tonight like all the nights during the entire three years, I just set myself free to live with him in the pictures my head makes of us together.

☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

There was a big intention back in my mind to lead the story this way, and it was all about experience.

I gave you a grown Jungkook who seemed to know everything now. But, he still needs guidance.

He gained muscles, but mentally he's still a baby. And the lack of people (who care for him) around him in Seoul just made the matter worse.

Overall, I wanna say let us grow and use any good chances to advance ourselves before setting our foot in these kinds of situations. And let's not forget about opening up about our issues to family.