It Was Like A Dream

Chapter 21

-Yeji

"W-Will you be my girlfriend?"

There, I said it. The million dollar question has finally escaped my mouth. I was scared of asking this to her, but I was terrified of what she would say next.

My heart was beating so fast, I could hear it in my ears. I didn't have the courage to face her, even if I was behind her, I still hid my face on the crook of her neck. Her silence made me anxious. I couldn't read her face, or tell how she felt about my question. The silence was killing me so painfully slow, so I decided to break it.

"W-Why aren't you saying anything?" I asked. I wanted to sound confident, but the nervousness made my voice shaky, causing me to stutter.

I was sure that she still liked me. But the next words, mercilessly shattered my heart.

"N-Not now..."

I felt my arms loosen around her body, and back away a little, freeing myself from her warmth as I stood up.

"Why...?" I said lowly.

She stood up, and reached to hold my hand, but as our skin made contact, it felt even more painful.

"I asked you why." I said firmly. "Yet, you aren't explaining yourself. It's getting pretty painful for me here." I said as I chuckled sadly.

She still didn't say anything, as she chewed on her bottom lip. It broke my heart even more, as I thought of a possibility as to why she was rejecting me.

"Is there someone else? Did your feelings for me disappear or something?"

"No! It's not like that... I'm just..."

"Just what?"

"I-I'm...scared."

"Scared? Of what?"

"Of everything! People always feel the need to say something about someone. I'm scared of what people might say when they see us holding hands. I'm scared of what they would say when we kiss. And I'm scared..." she paused as she I notice her fight back the tears that were threatening to fall. "And I'm scared that they'll be the reason why you'll leave me..."

"Is that it? I won't ever leave you, Jisu! People can say whatever they want, but that won't ever be the reason why I'll leave you, because it's not gonna happen anyway!"

"Y-You...don't know that."

"Yes I do! If we just love each other, nothing can—"

She let go of my hand and pushed me backwards in frustration. "You're not a fortune teller, Yeji! Stop acting like you know what'll happen because you don't!"

The way her tears fell on her cheeks, it looked hideous on her. She should be smiling, not frowning and crying. The last thing I wanted to do was to make her cry. And I felt terrible. I reached for her hand to touch her, but she backed away before our skin could touch. The way she flinched away, the pain increased.

"Do you really doubt us, Jisu? Do you really think we won't work out? That after you've had enough of people's opinions, we'd pack up and leave each other?"

"T-That's not..."

She stood frozen, so I took the opportunity to lock her in an embrace. I felt her fingers clench on my shirt, as her tears felt cold against my neck. "Lia, the thought of you leaving me, horrifies me. It horrifies me even more than my own death."

"Can you please just give me a chance? Give us a chance? Please?" My voice sounded desperate, because I was. I was desperate for her touch. Desperate for her presence. Desperate for her love.

I wanted her. I needed her. So very desperately. But because I loved her, I didn't want her to be in a relationship with me if she doesn't want to. I don't want to force her into doing anything she doesn't want to. I gotta be someone who cares for her, even if it means not being in a relationship with her. So whatever she says next,

I'll try to live with it.

"I..." she cried. "I'm sorry... I just... I-I  c-can't."

I stretched my lips into a smile, in hopes that the pain would lessen, but it just made it worse. Lia was still crying, so I rubbed her back to cheer her up.

"I see. It's okay." I said, as firmly as I could. "Let's take you home, yeah? Let's go home."

The car ride was silent. No one dared to speak. I was thankful for the silence, especially since Insam and Hongsam we're both tired from playing. I dropped off Insam and Hongsam first so they could rest properly. Then I drove to Lia's house. I stepped on the brakes as we arrived. She took off her seatbelt and grabbed her bag and exited the car.

She made her way to the front porch and tried to insert her key, but I noticed that she had left a book in the back seat. I grabbed it and made my way towards her.

Her door opened, as I called behind her.

"Hey, you forgot this." I said as I held it out to her. She turned to me, with her puffy eyes, as she took the book, her fingers brushed against mine.

"Thank you." She said and hurriedly went inside and was about to close the door, but I slammed my hand on the door to keep her from closing.

It can't end like this, right?

"Lia?" I called.

"Yes?"

Tell her you love her. Tell her that you want to graduate with her. Tell her that you want to spend the rest of your life with her. Tell her that you can't live without her.

"G-Goodnight, Lia."

She turned away, and said "Goodnight." And closed the door in my face. I heaved a sigh, as I walk back to the car. I went inside, and crashed my forehead on the steering wheel as I finally let my tears fall.

I fished my phone out of my pocket and texted Chaeryeong.

Me: I'm grabbing soju. Can we meet at your apartment?

A message popped up almost immediately.

Her: Want me to prepare some beer too?

Me: Yeah.

Her: Come on over.

Me: Thanks.

I start the engine again, and drove to her apartment, feeling the pain linger a little bit longer. I hope the pain could die down after a few drinks.

I hope that maybe letting my heart cry too would ease the pain.