It Was Like A Dream

Chapter 45

TW: Self-Hatred, Depressing thoughts, self-blaming.

-Lia

The airport was what once gave me hope. Hope for a better life, hope for a better future. Now, I couldn't even stop thinking about what I said to her that night.

"I CAN'T TRUST YOU!"

I shouldn't have said that to her. I should have at least apologised to her for being the way I am.

"Understand you!? What the hell do you even understand about me!?"

How could I expect something like that from her? I never did anything for her to be that nice to me. I never gave her gold and diamonds for her to treat me like the way she did.

I still remember the look she gave me that night. She looked at me, like I was someone she hated. She looked at me like I was someone she shouldn't have fought so hard for. She looked at me like she regretted loving me.

As she should.

If I could turn back time, I wouldn't undo any of it.

Because Yeji deserves someone better.

Someone who'll be less complicated. Someone who's easy to understand. Someone who doesn't have that many problems. Someone who's braver. Someone who can be there for her when she needs it. Someone who'll love her equally as much as she loves them.

Because I know, she needs someone to hold her right now. And that someone can't be me.

I sigh, as my mom sat down next to me.

"Honey, I just got off the call from your father. He said that he'll be waiting at home. Do you want to get some food before we go?"

I nodded. "Yeah."

I stood up and walked to the snack bar that was a few meters away from where me and mom sat. I ordered burgers and pineapple pizzas and two bottles of coke.

And now that I think about it, pizza and coke reminded me of the time that Yeji comforted me, when I thought that everything was going to repeat again. People gossiping about me.

Yet, she was there for me.

While I wasn't for her.

And all because I was too scared.

I felt my tears start to tickle around my eyes, as I felt numb. Like how I felt when Yeji and I argued that night.

Knowing Yeji, she's probably asking herself, "Where did we go wrong?"

Wrong question.

I was the one who's wrong.

I was wrong for her. I was wrong for not trying. I was wrong for being too inconsiderate. I was wrong for loving when I could have taken the time to firstly love who I was.

But what was there to love about me?

What did Yeji see in me, that I couldn't?

What made her love me, when I was too much of a wreck?

How can someone love a piece of trash like me?

"I love you. So fucking much, Lia. I love you."

How...?

Why...?

Remembering those three words, suddenly made me feel small. I felt bad about it. I wanted to change my mind. I wanted to go back and tell her that I'm sorry.