I was really debating on publishing this but then I realized I dont care so have at it
"So have you guys done it yet?" Zoe asked from across the lunch table. She has a weird expression and I don't know if I should be worried.
"What?" Am I supposed to know what that is?
"Zoe he's too innocent, he doesn't understand." Alana says to Zoe next to her.
"Oh yeah, sorry Evan." She responds.
"I'm so confused." I basically face palm. Nobody ever tells me anything.
"Sup fuckers." Of course it's Jared. He sits next to me and puts his arm around me. All I need is love and affection (it's a song Jared sand once, I hope somebody remembers it). Jared didn't show much at first but now he does it all the time.
"Hi." I greet him and give him a quick kiss.
"Well hello." Then he does his dumb little smile, which is cute, that he does to make me laugh. Which usually works.
"So Jared, have you done it yet?" Zoe asks again but to Jared instead. Does he know what it means?
"Oh fuck off." Jared laughs as he responds.
"It's just a question."
"Yeah, a stupid question."
"You take that back."
"Sure crazy head."
"Alana do something!" Zoe yells at Alana in mostly fake anger.
"Sorry babe, but he has a point." Alana remarks.
"How dare-"
"Can someone please tell me what's going on?!" I accidentally blurt out. Shit now everyone is staring at me. Ahhh I wasn't mentally prepared for this. Help.
"You okay there Ev?" Jared asks softly but I'm still freaking out. Yeah they're all my friends, they wouldn't judge me but stupid anxiety always gets in the way.
"Uh, yeah. Yep. I just uh, need to use the bathroom." I quickly respond as I dart out the cafeteria. Well that was smart. They don't believe me and now are probably going to pressure Jared to check on me. I make a quick escape to the nearest bathroom. It's like my freak out space. The only place where you can have 5 minutes of alone time.
I'm sweating to the bone at this point. My hands are clammy and my breathing hitches, the usual. I'm having another anxiety attack in the same bathroom as before. Just great. Great great great.
"Just great fucking job Hansen!" I yell at myself in the mirror. I try so hard to keep my hands away from pulling at my hair but I guess it's the best thing I can do. I've been doing it for years and most of the time it helps. For some reason. Tears are at the edges of my eyes, threatening to fall down. If they do then I won't be able to go back. Then I hear the door open. Another great decision to not go in a stall. Now some stranger probably is going to see me and laugh at me as I try to calm down.
"Evan, you in here?" Oh thank god it's Jared. He asked as he walks through the doorway of the bathroom. As soon as he sees me and brings me into a hug. I really needed one. I cling onto him surprisingly stronger than I thought I would.
"I-I didn't, I didn't m-mean-" it's not a surprise that I can't talk when hyperventilating.
"Hey it's okay, take your time. I'm here." He uses a soothing voice as he speaks. He slowly rubs my back as he holds me. I'm a teenager but I still act as a child so comfort stuff like this really helps. I hate being treated like a baby but then sometimes I do. It's weird. I'm weird.
I bury my face into his neck as the tears continue to fall. For a moment it's just me and him. Him comforting me as a freak out as always. I hate yelling and I hate yelling at people more. I'm not like that. I don't want to be like that. I don't want people to hate me.
"You're being awful quiet. You want to do the question method?" We do this thing where he asks one question at a time so it doesn't overwhelm me. If I can't speak then I squeeze his hand. One squeeze for yes, and two for no.
I squeeze his hand once.
"Okay... first off, are you okay?
I squeeze his hand once again.
"Good, good job baby. You want me too keep holding you?" One squeeze.
"Okay, whatever you want Ev. Did someone upset you?" I squeeze two times.
"Oh, did you get mad at yourself..." I squeeze once.
"I told you you don't need to be mad with yourself. You make mistakes, we all do. We shouldn't have to feel we have to blame ourselves or we'll feel selfish. But that's not true. Tell me you need help when it's happening okay? Running away from your problems won't help anything, okay?"
I squeeze once.
"Thank you... do you think you can talk?"
"Mhm."
"Okay... what happened?"
"..."
"Okay, that's a big question I know. Sorry, how about... hm, was it Zoe, did she start it?"
"S-sort of..."
"What did she do- oh was it the question she asked?"
"Mhm."
"Awe, you're so innocent it's adorable."
"S-shut up." I want to be mad at him but I can't not laugh.
"There we go. There's that cute smile." He kisses my head.
"Stahhhp."
"No, you're too cute to resist." He kisses my head but multiple times in a row.
"I will hit you."
"Okay okay, I'll stop. You want to keep going?"
"Yeah. It really helps."
"I'm glad it does... when you yelled, did you surprise yourself?"
"... yeah."
"Yeah that was kind of sudden, but that's okay. You were confused and I know how you feel when you are. You feel out of place, like you don't fit. But you need to stop worrying about that, everyone at that table are your friends. They care about you and love you. Just keep that in mind." He does have a point...
"It gets... scary, sometimes..."
"I know it does, but you're strong. You'll get through this, and I'll be right by your side the entire time." Sometimes I don't think I deserve Jared. He has this whole fake persona he plays in front of everyone but when it's just me and him, he actually cares. He breaks out of his shell for me, which is amazing.
"I love you."
"I love you too, Ev. Are you feeling better? Are you done with questions."
"Yeah, I think I am."
"Good, my arm is getting tired." We're back to laughing. I get out of the embrace and look back at him, he has a sympathetic smile. A cute one too.
"I have a question for you this time."
"Oh really?," then he does his smug face, "what is it?"
"What did Zoe mean? If we 'did it'? And don't dumb it down, I want to know."
"Well, uhm, it's uh... when we uh... it's when we fuck."
"That's what it means?! Jesus Christ I'm an idiot."
"You're not an idiot, most of the time you're bottom so of course you're innocent."
"At least it's 'most of the time', ha you're bottom."
"Oh really? I don't think I agree with you, I can easily prove otherwise~" he seductively says into my ear.
"Ngh- don't you d-"
"Lunch is over and everyone is in class~" he puts his hands on my hips and brings me closer. Well I'm screwed.
