Lately, I haven't been I'm the beet mental state, it's pretty obvious and all the breaks I take. But some were a break from 'work'... they definitely weren't. I'm not a good liar, I've never been a good liar. But through text it's so simple to say anything and no one could prove you wrong because they don't know your expression, they can't see your posture, they won't be able to tell a lie from a truth when there was no truth to begin with. Because that was also a lie. The point is, I have lied... multiple times... to everyone on this app. I'm not proud of it, because what's the point lying to a bunch of strangers you're never going to see..? Hope. I know that sounds straight up stupid but listen, when you lie to someone and they believe you so easily, it's one of two things.
1. They're a clueless and gullible moron
Or
2. You're such a good liar that they believe anything you say because they trust you
Now neither of those really involve hope now do they? No, not really... at first glance. The second option, when into further detail, has a lot more behind it. The reason they believe everything you're saying to them is because you believe it yourself, or at least you want to. That's it. If you say something enough times, you actually start to believe it. Now when you're friend asks you, "hey, you okay?" And you respond with, "yeah."
You don't want them to worry, you don't want them to waste their time on you. You actually believe you don't deserve it, and... you want to believe it. So you hope you'll believe it once you've said enough times. You trick yourself into thinking you're okay so you don't break down at your friends' house.
It all started from that one simple card game, somehow the topic was brought up and it made you think. It made you remember a time when you were so much happier than you are now, and that starts to get to you. You're thinking of that one person, who made you: laugh, smile, cry, worry, every possible emotion stacked together. But you were still happy.
So as always, you start to miss them, and all the fun memories you had with them, then you remember that they're not in your life anymore.
Now back to why I even started this. This happened to me today, as you could probably tell and it really ran it's course on me.
I can't do it.
I can't do this anymore.
I'm not taking a break, I'm done.
For the past 4 months I have been writing.
And I think I'm done with it.
I can't do it.
So I'm leaving. I won't delete it or anything, all my writing will stay. It's not going anywhere. You will still be able to read them whenever you want, but I won't respond to any comments or update any new one shots because I am deleting Wattpad. I tell myself "okay let's write something for everyone who reads them" or "you didn't do one for a couple days, you should update this" and I never could. I kept pushing it off and ignoring it for days until I finally gave in and realized:
I don't want to do this anymore.
I can, but I don't want to.
Another lie I told.
Before I go completely, I want to say thank you to the people who read not only my stories but my notes. I would say I'm feeling a bit down or confused, they would write lovely comments or even private message me. It really, really, meant a lot to me. I didn't think I deserved it, and I still don't. Especially now that I'm leaving but I need to say thanks, because that wouldn't be a lie.
Thank you so, so much to everyone who complimented on my writing, read my not so great works, and still didn't put me down in any way. Thank you.
This is getting pretty long now so I think it's time for me to go.
For good old times sake, have a good day/night 💙🐈💙
One last time.
