Never let you go

Chapter 35

Grey:

What the hell just happened? That's all I can think as I sit in my room by myself after Hunter leaves me in nothing but my bra and panties. I try to tell myself that it's not because he saw my scar or my tattoo but I have a feeling that's the reason. It's the only thing that makes sense. Everything was going fine until then, more than fine actually. When he told me he can't do this I felt a small piece of me break on the inside, but I'm not going to crumble. I can't. I've come too far. I'm a fighter. No. I'm a survivor.

I don't sleep at all that night as I sit in my room and think of ways to fix whatever just happened between Hunter and I. I'll do whatever it takes. I'll even tell him everything about our past if I have to. I can't lose him. I refuse.

At about five a.m. I leave the apartment and go for a run to clear my head. I'm kind of surprised I don't have a hangover but who knows maybe drinking all that water worked or maybe I'm still tipsy. I run for over an hour absorbing the pain in my lungs and my legs. As I run I think about Hunter and how to reach him but by the end of my run I still haven't come up with a precise plan. I'm really sweaty by the time I make it back to the apartment and I can't wait to shower. Sam is there sitting on the couch drinking coffee when I walk in and I'm surprised to see her here so early.

"What are you doing here?" I ask.

"Hello I live here" she says like it's obvious.

"Sorry" I say laughing. "I meant what are you doing here so early?"

"First off you don't have a monopoly on getting up early and secondly Hunter came by this morning and asked me to come check on you."

"He did?" I ask truly surprised.

"Yea and he looked like shit. What the hell happened? He didn't get fresh did he because I'll kill him."

"No" I say nervously. "It was nothing like that. He . . . we . . . we were kissing and everything was going great and he took off my dress saw my scar and tattoo and he freaked out. He started shaking and told me he couldn't do this and that he was sorry and then he ran out."

"What?!" Sam asks completely shocked. "What the hell is his problem? He just left you there in your underwear?"

"Yea" I say still feeling slightly ashamed. "And as for whatever his problem is I have no idea but I know he has issues. I love him though Sam. I love him so much it hurts."

"I know you do" she says sympathetically. "Maybe he needs to figure out his shit though before he can really be with you."

"He needs me Sam" I tell her. "He might not know it but he does and I'm worried that if I don't help him out of the darkness he's in than nobody will."

"Then go to him" she tells me encouragingly. She may be worried about me but I know she'd never stand in the way of me being with Hunter. She'll support me know matter what I decide and that's why I love her. "He looked pretty miserable."

I smile. "Thanks Sam" I tell her as I hug her tightly. "First I need to shower."

Once I'm showered and changed I head out. I grab coffee for Hunter and me and then I go to his apartment. I'm nervous as I walk up the stairs and I stand in the hallway for a long time before knocking and just as I'm about to knock Hunter opens the door.

"I figured it was you out here" he says.

"How'd you know?" I ask. I wasn't making any noise. I was actually quite careful to be perfectly quiet.

"I just did" he says choosing not to elaborate. He seems cold and distant and I hate it as it reminds me of the time he told me to get the fuck out after he told me he didn't love me. Sam was right he does look like shit. He looks like he hasn't slept at all like me and if I'm not mistaken he seems a little drunk.

"Can I come in?" I ask.

He hesitates for a moment as he studies me with his cold eyes and I'm pretty sure he's going to say no but he doesn't. "Sure" he says as he steps aside.

"I got this for you" I say as I hand him the coffee. "You look like you could use it."

"Thanks" he says as he takes it from me and places it on the counter. He walks away from me and goes to pick up a glass that has an amber liquid in it and I know immediately that it's whiskey. My heart sinks. "So what are you doing here?" he asks me after he takes a long swig.

"I came to see you" I say stating the obvious.

"You shouldn't do that" he says evenly.

"You don't scare me you know" I say to him.

He gives me a lazy smile as he pours more whiskey and downs the glass as if he knows how much it pains for me to see him drink like this. He sets it down and then walks over to me with this cold distant look in his eyes and my heart races with fear, because I am afraid of what he might say knowing his words can break me. I won't let him though. I won't let him break me.

"You should be afraid" he says dead seriously. "I'll hurt you." I shutter as his words come out as not a warning but a promise.

"No you won't" I say forcing myself to be strong.

"Yes I will" he says as he continues to walk towards me and I step back until I'm pressed up against a wall.

"No you won't" I repeat refusing to give in.

"Dammit Grey!" he shouts as he slams his fist against the wall near my head. I force myself to look at him because I know he's trying to scare me on purpose but it's not going to work. I know he would never physically hurt me. Emotionally maybe, but physically never. "When are you going to get it I'm not good for you!"

"You think you can scare me and push me away but it won't work" I say my voice growing a little louder. "It didn't work last time and it's not going to work now!"

He looks at me stunned for a moment probably taken aback by my mention of the past, but before I know it that cold look is back.

"You should leave" he says coldly.

"No" I say refusing to back down because for a moment I saw a crack in his armor. "You don't think I see that darkness that you carry around with you? I know all about it because I have some of that in me too. You've tried to push me away time and time again. Always telling me that you're poison but you know what I don't care. I fell for you anyway. I fell for you because of that darkness because without it you wouldn't be you."

Hunter stares at me trying to remain composed but I can tell he's shocked and I can see his armor cracking further.

"I love you" I whisper. I'm terrified as I say it but I have to. I feel like it's the only way to make him see I'm not going anywhere.

"Grey" he whispers and just like that his walls fall down. His eyes become warm but I can tell he's afraid. "I . . ." he trails off.

"It's okay" I whisper. "You don't have to say anything. I just need you to know that I'm not going anywhere." I close the gap between us and kiss him on the cheek. "I'll leave the decision up to you because I can't force you to be with me, but I'm in this. I'm all in" I tell him and then I walk out hoping and praying that he chooses not to let me go.