Never let you go

Chapter 49

Hunter:

When I wake up I blink my eyes trying to remember what day it is but come up empty. All the days kind of blur together now that I spend them drinking and kicking back the remainder of my pain killers. Luckily I have a lot left over from the accident. As I climb out of bed I immediately grab the bottle of Whiskey I have on standby and knock back a large gulp. This isn't a trick to cure my hangover if that's what you're thinking. This is me clawing my way back into oblivion. That's where I live now.

I can't function without alcohol or drugs coaxing through my system. I need to numb the pain that I feel deep within my soul. I need to silence it. I haven't seen Grey since the night she walked away from me and the look on her face from that night is seared into my memory. Haunting me. I wish I could forget it. I wish I could forget that I hurt her. I wish I could forget my whole fucking life and start over.

When I got hit by that car why couldn't I have forgotten everything up until that point? Then I would have no memory of Jess and how I loved her and then killed her. I wouldn't remember being responsible for the deaths of two my best friends. I wouldn't know how much my father hates me and how trying to earn his love and respect all these years has been killing me inside. All the bad shit would be gone. If that was the case then maybe things would be different now with Grey. Surely if I wasn't aware of all the shit in my life then I would have no problem letting her love me. Or letting myself love her. We could be blissfully stupidly happy. God, I wish things were different.

I have to work later and I'm not surprised that the texts from Daniel have already started. He has been checking up on me every day. Probably to make sure I'm still breathing. He hasn't mentioned Grey since the day after I lost her. He told me then that I should just go over and apologize to her. He said it's obvious that I miss her. He said she'd forgive me. I told him to go to hell.

I expected him to stop visiting after that but he hasn't and he hasn't mentioned Grey since. He just stops by and makes sure I'm not dead from drinking and that I have food and water and then he leaves.

For a moment I wonder what would happen if he did come in here one day and find me dead. I've thought about ending it all before but I'm both too stubborn to take such an easy way out and too much of a pussy to actually do it. I also briefly allowed myself to think about what my death would do to Grey. I imagine her hurt and broken beyond repair and it kills me. I could never do that to her. I owe her too much. I love her too much.

It was a scary realization the day I realized that I'm in love with her. I knew I was falling for her sure but I didn't know for sure that I was truly in love with her until she walked away from me that night. It was a silly time for me to realize this I know but there was something poetic I guess about realizing you love someone the moment you lose her or in my case the moment you let her go. But it was because I love her that I let her go. It was the right thing to do for her.

I hear someone pound on the door and I know without answering that it must be Daniel. No one else would bother to come see me unless it was Sam coming to finish me off. I was honestly surprised she hadn't been by yet to give me her two cents.

I slowly stand up feeling uneasy on my feet and my head pounds so I take another swig of whiskey as I walk towards the door. He continues to pound on the door but this has no affect on my speed. He can fucking wait. Eventually I make it to the door and as soon as I open it he pushes past me to come inside.

"I would ask what fucking took you so long but I think I already know the answer" he says as he looks down at the bottle in my hand. If he's trying to make me feel ashamed of my drinking it's not going to work.

I take another long swig in front of him just to prove my point. "What do you want?"

He pauses for a moment as he looks at me like he's trying to figure out where the fuck the Hunter he knew before went. I'm about to tell him he's dead but he speaks before I can. "I went to see Grey" he whispers softly but his words ring out clear into the quiet of my apartment. They hang there suspended in time for a while as we both stare at one another. It's amazing how just hearing her name warms and freezes my heart at the same time.

I can tell he's baiting me. He's trying to get me to talk and to come back to life again and since he's a smart guy he knows Grey is the only thing in this world that can do that. It's not gonna work though. I won't allow it to. I need to remain closed off. I need to do this for her.

"She misses you man" he says speaking again. I want to tell him to stop speaking because his words hurt too much. I can't hear this. I need to remain strong.

"She'll get over it" I finally say hoping this will end his tirade.

"I'm not sure she will" he fires back. "She loves you."

I know she does but that doesn't mean I want to be reminded of it. I feel anger rise up inside me. He needs to stop right now. He's not helping anyone by doing this. "Why are you doing this?" I ask threateningly. "Huh? What's in it for you?"

"Nothing" he says honestly. "You're both just my friends and it's obvious that you both want to be with one another. It seems silly to me that you're doing this."

Silly? Wrong word to use. "You don't know anything!" I shout feeling myself growing angrier. "Who do you think you're helping exactly? You think you're helping her by going over there and giving her false hope of reconciliation? Because you're not! You are only going to hurt her worse."

He stares at me for a while and I think he's starting to realize this is a losing battle. "I don't know what happened to you man before you came here but it's obvious that you love that girl more than life itself and when you love someone like that you don't just let them go. And you certainly don't let fear control you. If you don't want to hurt her then don't. It's that simple but if you think you aren't hurting her now than you're wrong. You're breaking her right now. She needs you."

I stand there unmoving as I allow his words to sink in through every pore of my mind, body, and soul. I want to argue with him. I want to tell him he's wrong. I want to tell him that being with her will only end badly, but then I realize he's right. I am letting fear control me. I'm letting my fear of history repeating affect my relationship with Grey and it's causing me to hurt her. I don't want to hurt her.

I think about these past few months and all the wonderful moments I have shared with Grey. I think about the first time I saw her when she walked into my hospital room. I saved her. I wasn't able to save Jess or the others but I was able to save Grey. Maybe that was a sign that history was done repeating itself. Maybe that was my sign of hope. Maybe right there was the answer I needed all along.