Never let you go

Chapter 39

Hunter:

I hate sleeping without her. I'm such an idiot. I should have offered to stay with her tonight on her last night but because of my stupid pride I didn't. I hate to admit it but I think I was hurt that she didn't tell me how much she wanted to stay with me but brushed it under the rug. I know it's ridiculous because she loves me for crying out loud but it still bothered me. So like an idiot I just left and now I'm sitting restless in my apartment trying not to drink but the whiskey is calling my name. I want it. Just like Grey, whiskey offers me solace, but I guess it's not exactly the same because Grey gives me peace and the whiskey is just a gateway into oblivion. I both hate and love how much I need her. I used to need Jess and then I lost her and that led to me needing whiskey. It was a vicious cycle.

I'm staring at the bottle of whiskey hating myself for craving it so badly. If Grey was here I wouldn't need it. I would feel happy and light and the darkness would be cast away. I think about calling her and telling her I'm coming over but I don't want to seem weak. I don't want her to know how much I need her. I look at my bed and while my body longs for sleep I know I won't. It's nearly impossible for me to sleep without her and when I do I have nightmares. I have nightmares of Jess and the accident, but I also have nightmares about losing Grey, or hurting her, or both. It's fucking awful.

I stand up and put the bottle of whiskey away, cursing myself for being strong enough to not drink but too weak to actually throw it away. I leave my apartment and go for a walk. I'd really like to go for a run but my leg is too weak. The doctor did say that walking was good for my leg though just so long as I didn't overdo it. I take in the cold night air of March and look up at the stars wondering if Jess is up there and if she can see me. Part of me hopes she can and then the other part of me is terrified that she can and that she's horrified of the man I've become. I've let her down in so many ways but how was I supposed to be the old Hunter, the one that she loved when he died in that accident with her?

I see a bench and I decide to sit on it and take a break. I look back up at the stars and close my eyes and allow myself to slip into a memory of her. I normally don't do this because it hurts so damn much usually but I need to see her tonight.

"Hunter" she says playfully as she shoves my arm. "Come on. We are young and hot and this is our time to be wild and free."

I watch her in the sunlight as her blond hair falls all around her and her tan skin practically glows. She's so beautiful, like sunshine and from the first time I saw her I was drawn to her like a moth to the flame.

"Jess you know parties aren't really my thing and it seems a little dangerous to be having a party near a cliff" I tell her trying to be the voice of reason. This is how our conversations always go. She's the daredevil and I'm the cautious one. It's one of the reasons people wonder how the hell we ended up together. I think it's because we balance each other out. I make her think before she acts and she helps me to live a little.

"Everything will be fine" she says smiling at me and it melts my heart. I know we'll go to the party because Jess always gets her way. I can't tell the girl no.

"Fine" I say giving in. "But you need to promise you will stay away from the water and the cliff's edge if you are going to be drinking." I feel my breathing falter as I think about something terrible happening to her. I can't lose her. I'll protect her at all cost.

"Okay grandpa" she jokes as she rolls her eyes.

"It's only because I love you that I worry about you so much" I tell her as I wrap her up in my arms and kiss the side of her head.

"I know" she says. "And I love that you love me that much. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have you to protect me and keep me grounded."